The sweetest thing in life is knowing that you are succeeding. I have set out on a quest. A quest to get down to 220 pounds for my sister's wedding in May. I've come a loooong way down from 275 pounds to clock in at 239 today. Doesn't take a math major to figure out that I'm only 19 pounds away! It also doesn't take a math major to figure out that I have lost a whopping 36 pounds since Halloween. I am overly excited about this. I am amazed at how "easily" it has come off, honestly. I know these last 19 will probably be the longest pounds of my life, but I don't care. I might try to go even lower than 220 after the wedding, but I cannot fathom how I'm going to look even at 220, much less something like 200. I don't wanna get too small! I'm winning. I've not let the world and its crazy ways get to me. I am not going to be going back to eating all the bullshit that I've given up for these past few months. The days of drinking soda, eating shitty food, and being fat are over. I'm committed, and solidified in my quest.
In case anyone who actually reads this is wondering, I've done it through correct diet and exercise. I've adopted a new philosophy that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing correctly. This applies to eating, working out, cleaning, just general life things. It really is astounding how just changing your diet and doing a quick 30-45 minute workout 3-4 days a week can totally change your body. Don't get me wrong, changing your diet can be REALLY hard if you are caring for more people than just yourself. Finding time to workout is even hard for me, and I live alone. You have to make the time, or it won't get done. I've been mostly weight training with some core work thrown in, and it's produced results. I'm extremely happy with where I'm headed! I put in a lot of research and time into picking what kind of workouts I do, and I think I've done pretty well for myself so far. I'm only 3 weeks in, and I've dropped a ton of weight. The tougher programs are even still to come!
Nothing else really new in the life, as of yet. I'm looking for a new job, and am seriously considering asking Brad to put in a good word for me at Sysco. The benefits are awesome, and after taxes it would be something like a 700 dollar raise a month, that's not pocket change. The hours would jive pretty well with going to school, I just don't know when I would sleep! The sacrifices we make, right? Doing this will put me in a MUCH better financial position, and I won't be just scraping by each month. Would be nice to know how that feels. Like I said, the hours will suck, and the job probably will too, but I've got to find something different.
That's all I have for now, I'll catch you later
-JWR
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Exultation of That Thing.
This is it. Last blog that will be about the stupid wench that I dated for so long, and almost regret dating now. Almost.
I do not want to talk about her anymore. Ever. I do not want to think about her anymore. Ever. I've done amazingly well over the past week or 2 NOT talking about the situation at hand. At least I think I have. I'm very heartened by this! I don't miss her at all anymore. I don't even miss going to bed with her anymore. I don't miss having her here. She, quite honestly, brought out the worst in me. The lazy-pants, apathetic, irritated person you all knew is (mostly) gone. Let's be honest, I still get annoyed. Who doesn't? I still have my lazy days but, again, who doesn't? Right now, I'm happy. I'm enjoying being myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying working out 3-4 times a week. I'm enjoying not sitting at my computer nearly as much as I used to. Hell, I'm even enjoying cleaning my house and doing laundry. It's a fucking mess right now, but that will change here in the next few days.
Someone who brings out the worst in people isn't someone you want to have a relationship with. Take it from me. I have first hand experience. I see Lyndsay and Brad, or Ashley and Joe, or even Cassie and Pat, and looking back on it we didn't have what these couples have; These couples have, at least on the surface, Independence from one another. They don't have to, or need to, be together every waking moment of every day. They don't need each other at all times to be a functioning unit. This was a downfall of my relationship. She wanted me to basically be with her at all times, while ignoring the things that make me who I am. Things such as friends, family, games, etc. I cannot deal with a person such as this, and I cannot fathom why I exulted her over all others for such a long time. I probably left some pretty satisfying relationships on the table for her. Whereas once she came upon one that looked good, she bolted. She honestly reminds me of my friend Helmet's ex-wife, Julia. Julia would CONSTANTLY call Helmet and ask him to come home if he was out with friends. Amanda had/has very few friends, and of the few that she had a lot of them were my family, or have subsequently abandoned her because of how she is now acting. Wonder what she does for fun now. Nah, I don't really care.
Looking back on it, I'm not sure that we were happy for a long while. This wasn't because anything had changed in me, this was because everything had changed in her. She wasn't always the needy, attention loving, vain person that she is today. She used to be the best girl for me in the world, which is why I loved her. She used to pretty much let me do whatever I needed to do in order to feel like I had my sense of Independence. This changed about a year ago once that Douche Bag came back into the picture. Once he showed back up, she changed. She, all of a sudden, needed every waking moment of my attention. This wasn't a BAD thing per se, but once you start to live with someone, you aren't going to have their attention at all times. I suppose it's better to find out all these things now instead of later, no? Yes, I was going to ask her to marry me in February. I'm thanking whatever sentient being that is up in the big blue, if there is one, that she went crazy on me before we took that step.
I guess what I can take from this situation is this:
Never compromise your (rational) ideals for someone. What I mean by this is as such; You should never change yourself for someone. You should change yourself because you want to. If you are doing it for someone else, you will end up resenting that person eventually. If you are doing it for yourself, you will be happy as a clam. It never fails.
Never turn away someone who could be your prince/princess. I hear single girls bitching all the time about not finding nice guys to go out with. Well, maybe that person who "wasn't good enough" for you at the bar, or at the ball game, or at the ski lift, or what the hell ever was your knight in shining armor. Maybe that person that you turned down would have been the best thing that ever happened to you, and you have no one to blame but yourself for losing it. Don't get me wrong, there has to be an attraction. That's just nature. Some people just take a while to get warmed up, you know? I speak somewhat from experience, and somewhat from observation. I haven't been single in 5 years, so it's not like I was turned down a lot. But I have seen people get totally dismissed, by both males and females alike, because in the 15 seconds that they went up and said "Hello" to someone, that person decided if they were worthy or not. This is a fundamental problem in finding someone that is a fantastic person. Usually the best of us are shot down in 20 seconds! Haha. Does it really take that long out of your night to have a 5 minute conversation and try to get to know someone?
ALWAYS be a nice person. At least try to be. I'm a total asshole sometimes, but most of the time it's because the person is either A.) Related to me. Or B.) Deserves it. Being cordial is going to make you more friends, and in turn make you meet more people. Networking is the social lifeblood of dating/relationships. If more people think you are awesome, more people will introduce you to their friends they think are awesome, and then off you go!
Never take anything for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. Not ever.
Lean on your friends/family. I've gotten so much closer to all of my friends/family throughout this whole process. I don't think I could have made it through without each and every one of them. These people will always be there for you when you need them. And if they aren't, then they aren't the type of person you want to associate with anyway.
Love yourself. This is the last, and greatest, of all my points. If you don't love yourself, how can someone else possibly love you in the greatest of emotional senses? It's utterly impossible. Be confident in yourself, be confident in your abilities, and good things will happen for you. I'm slowly learning to be ok with myself. I'm much better off for all of this bullshit getting dropped on my head. I don't regret it happening even for a second at this point. I'm down to 245. I'm living life. I'm loving life. I am SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORLDS... Uh... yeah, moving on. Plus the knowledge that if she stays with this guy, she'll probably end up in a gutter somewhere doesn't hurt either. ;)
Well, that was it. This is the last blog that will be about her. It wasn't even really about her anyway, as it was about what I took from our relationship. I had a good time writing it, and hopefully I'll be able to cut that piece of my heart out that still belongs to her, and throw it in the East River or something. (Figureatively speaking of course).
Peace out, and Be Excellent to One Another.
-JWR
I do not want to talk about her anymore. Ever. I do not want to think about her anymore. Ever. I've done amazingly well over the past week or 2 NOT talking about the situation at hand. At least I think I have. I'm very heartened by this! I don't miss her at all anymore. I don't even miss going to bed with her anymore. I don't miss having her here. She, quite honestly, brought out the worst in me. The lazy-pants, apathetic, irritated person you all knew is (mostly) gone. Let's be honest, I still get annoyed. Who doesn't? I still have my lazy days but, again, who doesn't? Right now, I'm happy. I'm enjoying being myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying working out 3-4 times a week. I'm enjoying not sitting at my computer nearly as much as I used to. Hell, I'm even enjoying cleaning my house and doing laundry. It's a fucking mess right now, but that will change here in the next few days.
Someone who brings out the worst in people isn't someone you want to have a relationship with. Take it from me. I have first hand experience. I see Lyndsay and Brad, or Ashley and Joe, or even Cassie and Pat, and looking back on it we didn't have what these couples have; These couples have, at least on the surface, Independence from one another. They don't have to, or need to, be together every waking moment of every day. They don't need each other at all times to be a functioning unit. This was a downfall of my relationship. She wanted me to basically be with her at all times, while ignoring the things that make me who I am. Things such as friends, family, games, etc. I cannot deal with a person such as this, and I cannot fathom why I exulted her over all others for such a long time. I probably left some pretty satisfying relationships on the table for her. Whereas once she came upon one that looked good, she bolted. She honestly reminds me of my friend Helmet's ex-wife, Julia. Julia would CONSTANTLY call Helmet and ask him to come home if he was out with friends. Amanda had/has very few friends, and of the few that she had a lot of them were my family, or have subsequently abandoned her because of how she is now acting. Wonder what she does for fun now. Nah, I don't really care.
Looking back on it, I'm not sure that we were happy for a long while. This wasn't because anything had changed in me, this was because everything had changed in her. She wasn't always the needy, attention loving, vain person that she is today. She used to be the best girl for me in the world, which is why I loved her. She used to pretty much let me do whatever I needed to do in order to feel like I had my sense of Independence. This changed about a year ago once that Douche Bag came back into the picture. Once he showed back up, she changed. She, all of a sudden, needed every waking moment of my attention. This wasn't a BAD thing per se, but once you start to live with someone, you aren't going to have their attention at all times. I suppose it's better to find out all these things now instead of later, no? Yes, I was going to ask her to marry me in February. I'm thanking whatever sentient being that is up in the big blue, if there is one, that she went crazy on me before we took that step.
I guess what I can take from this situation is this:
Never compromise your (rational) ideals for someone. What I mean by this is as such; You should never change yourself for someone. You should change yourself because you want to. If you are doing it for someone else, you will end up resenting that person eventually. If you are doing it for yourself, you will be happy as a clam. It never fails.
Never turn away someone who could be your prince/princess. I hear single girls bitching all the time about not finding nice guys to go out with. Well, maybe that person who "wasn't good enough" for you at the bar, or at the ball game, or at the ski lift, or what the hell ever was your knight in shining armor. Maybe that person that you turned down would have been the best thing that ever happened to you, and you have no one to blame but yourself for losing it. Don't get me wrong, there has to be an attraction. That's just nature. Some people just take a while to get warmed up, you know? I speak somewhat from experience, and somewhat from observation. I haven't been single in 5 years, so it's not like I was turned down a lot. But I have seen people get totally dismissed, by both males and females alike, because in the 15 seconds that they went up and said "Hello" to someone, that person decided if they were worthy or not. This is a fundamental problem in finding someone that is a fantastic person. Usually the best of us are shot down in 20 seconds! Haha. Does it really take that long out of your night to have a 5 minute conversation and try to get to know someone?
ALWAYS be a nice person. At least try to be. I'm a total asshole sometimes, but most of the time it's because the person is either A.) Related to me. Or B.) Deserves it. Being cordial is going to make you more friends, and in turn make you meet more people. Networking is the social lifeblood of dating/relationships. If more people think you are awesome, more people will introduce you to their friends they think are awesome, and then off you go!
Never take anything for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. Not ever.
Lean on your friends/family. I've gotten so much closer to all of my friends/family throughout this whole process. I don't think I could have made it through without each and every one of them. These people will always be there for you when you need them. And if they aren't, then they aren't the type of person you want to associate with anyway.
Love yourself. This is the last, and greatest, of all my points. If you don't love yourself, how can someone else possibly love you in the greatest of emotional senses? It's utterly impossible. Be confident in yourself, be confident in your abilities, and good things will happen for you. I'm slowly learning to be ok with myself. I'm much better off for all of this bullshit getting dropped on my head. I don't regret it happening even for a second at this point. I'm down to 245. I'm living life. I'm loving life. I am SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORLDS... Uh... yeah, moving on. Plus the knowledge that if she stays with this guy, she'll probably end up in a gutter somewhere doesn't hurt either. ;)
Well, that was it. This is the last blog that will be about her. It wasn't even really about her anyway, as it was about what I took from our relationship. I had a good time writing it, and hopefully I'll be able to cut that piece of my heart out that still belongs to her, and throw it in the East River or something. (Figureatively speaking of course).
Peace out, and Be Excellent to One Another.
-JWR
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Resolutions.
New Years' Resolutions usually aren't my thing. I don't mess with them, I don't like them, I don't even usually resolve to do anything different with the coming of a new year. Usually they get broken in about... 3 days. This year is a little different. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. That probably sounds weird, I know. I've resolved to not let myself take away from the person that I am. The past few days have been hard days. I don't know if the finality of everything is starting to set in now, or if the fact that I learned she had been lying to me for over a year just set me back this much. The reality of the fact is, she won't be coming back to me. I don't know if I could even take her back at this point. Not after what I've learned and what she's done. At the same time... I can't help but still have feelings. I can't help but still think that I'm in love with her. At the very least, with the old her before she got bitten by a water-monster and lost all of her attractive qualities.
I'm having some issues. Some of them are purely physical. I feel like when we first broke up right now, where I don't really want to eat. I don't like feeling like that, so I force myself to eat something. I've gotta start finding something to occupy my time so I don't think about this cluster-fuck of a situation as much. Problem is, I've tried almost everything. Video games don't work. Movies can only last you so long. TV is the same as movies. Working out can only do so much for you before you over-work yourself. I'm devouring books like a 500 pound guy at the buffet line, but it still doesn't stop it. I don't know if it's time that I need, or something greater. I guess what I could really use is something awesome to happen. Anything awesome, really.
The one thing that actually does seem to help some is friends and family. My friends are awesome, and have been awesome throughout this whole mess. My family has pulled around me because they know I'm devastated. I guess I couldn't REALLY expect to get over a 5 year relationship in 2 months. I do hope it happens soon though.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. I'm an analytical person. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I like to overthink things. I like to talk things out rationally instead of having arguments. I'm trying to throw at least a portion of that out the window. I don't need to be rational about everything. I don't need to analyze shit until it's dead in the ground. I analyze myself constantly, and it's not a good thing. I'm very self-deprecating. I put myself down saying shit like, "Man, there is no way I can do that...". Well, I'm tired of that bullshit. I can do whatever I want to. I'm a smart guy, no one can deny that. I'm a good person, no one had better try to deny that either. I'm borderline retarded. Someone please deny that. ;) Seriously though, I've lost 30 pounds since all of this shit happened. I look pretty good. I'm wearing shirts now that I couldn't even wear in high school. My pants literally fall off of me if I'm not wearing a belt, some of them do that even when I am wearing a belt.
It's hard for me to be nice to myself, honestly. I don't like telling myself, "Self, you are a good guy. You aren't half bad looking either. You are a smart person. You are this, you are that..." I don't like doing that. Instead, I tend to do the opposite. This is the behavior I want to change. Confidence is one of the best things that you can have in life. If you are confident, usually good things happen for you. I'm confident in my abilities. I'm NOT confident enough in myself. Those sound like contradictory statements, I know. What I mean is that I'm confident enough in my abilities that I know that I can do tasks that are given to me. I can go pick the the dry-cleaning, or what the fuck ever. What I'm not confident in is myself. If I ran into a good looking girl at the dry-cleaning place, there is no way I would ever talk to her. It's a weak analogy, but it's there. I guess that's why most guys go out with friends. You are more comfortable and more confident in yourself when you are with your friends. It's now that I wish more of my friends weren't married. :P
I think I'm going to be done blogging today. I know this was kind of a mish-mash of thoughts and musings, but that's where my head is right now.
I'm having some issues. Some of them are purely physical. I feel like when we first broke up right now, where I don't really want to eat. I don't like feeling like that, so I force myself to eat something. I've gotta start finding something to occupy my time so I don't think about this cluster-fuck of a situation as much. Problem is, I've tried almost everything. Video games don't work. Movies can only last you so long. TV is the same as movies. Working out can only do so much for you before you over-work yourself. I'm devouring books like a 500 pound guy at the buffet line, but it still doesn't stop it. I don't know if it's time that I need, or something greater. I guess what I could really use is something awesome to happen. Anything awesome, really.
The one thing that actually does seem to help some is friends and family. My friends are awesome, and have been awesome throughout this whole mess. My family has pulled around me because they know I'm devastated. I guess I couldn't REALLY expect to get over a 5 year relationship in 2 months. I do hope it happens soon though.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. I'm an analytical person. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I like to overthink things. I like to talk things out rationally instead of having arguments. I'm trying to throw at least a portion of that out the window. I don't need to be rational about everything. I don't need to analyze shit until it's dead in the ground. I analyze myself constantly, and it's not a good thing. I'm very self-deprecating. I put myself down saying shit like, "Man, there is no way I can do that...". Well, I'm tired of that bullshit. I can do whatever I want to. I'm a smart guy, no one can deny that. I'm a good person, no one had better try to deny that either. I'm borderline retarded. Someone please deny that. ;) Seriously though, I've lost 30 pounds since all of this shit happened. I look pretty good. I'm wearing shirts now that I couldn't even wear in high school. My pants literally fall off of me if I'm not wearing a belt, some of them do that even when I am wearing a belt.
It's hard for me to be nice to myself, honestly. I don't like telling myself, "Self, you are a good guy. You aren't half bad looking either. You are a smart person. You are this, you are that..." I don't like doing that. Instead, I tend to do the opposite. This is the behavior I want to change. Confidence is one of the best things that you can have in life. If you are confident, usually good things happen for you. I'm confident in my abilities. I'm NOT confident enough in myself. Those sound like contradictory statements, I know. What I mean is that I'm confident enough in my abilities that I know that I can do tasks that are given to me. I can go pick the the dry-cleaning, or what the fuck ever. What I'm not confident in is myself. If I ran into a good looking girl at the dry-cleaning place, there is no way I would ever talk to her. It's a weak analogy, but it's there. I guess that's why most guys go out with friends. You are more comfortable and more confident in yourself when you are with your friends. It's now that I wish more of my friends weren't married. :P
I think I'm going to be done blogging today. I know this was kind of a mish-mash of thoughts and musings, but that's where my head is right now.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
cos<3 = ?
I stole my post title from xkcd, an amazing webcomic for the nerdiest of the nerdy. This really has no bearing on anything, aside from a shameless plug for the comic!
It's the truth though. Mathematics can define many things in this world. Math can define limits for any sort of engineering, physics, and it's pretty much the lifeblood of any sort of advances that society makes as a whole. One of the things that math cannot quantify? Love. Love is something that is immeasurable. Love is not a quantity. Love is... undefined in the mathematical sense. What I mean by this is that love is actually defined linguistically, but as an entity, you cannot define it. I wonder if it's for that reason that it's so hard to find, and once you do find it, you are not even sure about it even still. I thought I had it with Amanda. I was clearly wrong. I must not have done the derivative correctly in my equation or something, right? :P
I learned some more news about my sad, 5 year, farce of a former relationship last night. The news did not sit very well. In fact, it made me drink until I threw up about 10 times. It was not really all that enjoyable. Now, here's the rub on this subject; I don't know if I needed to know that. I mean, I'm glad that I do know now, but when I was already trashed and emotional was probably not the best time. I know that she's a cheating whore. I know that she has probably been seeing this other guy on the side for quite some time now. I know that she's been lying to me for AT LEAST a year. I now know who she is, and that person is terrible. She may be lovely on the outside, but on the inside she is a bitter husk of her former self. She is the discarded remnants from a night of passion. She's a prom night dumpster baby, and the "mother" poured her last beer all over "It" as she threw "It" away. She is garbage. I'm not bitter though, honestly. Do I sound bitter?! Ok, I'm fucking bitter.
I'm better off with her being gone, because our relationship for the past year has been based on a lie. It's been based off of a mother-fucking bullshit lie. This does not make me happy to say (type), but for Christ's sake I'm SO tired of feeling like I've done something wrong. I've done nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. All of her reasons for her taking this path, and all her reasons for her leaving me are absolutely superficial. They are selfish. They are... stupid, to be quite blunt. I had all things that she quoted me the first night that she broke up with me fixed within 20 minutes of her leaving. Clearly these were not the real problem. In my heart, knowing what I know now, she would have left me eventually anyway. She just happened to find her excuse recently. She has wanted to do this since that night that he first tried to steal her away from me, in my humble opinion. Otherwise, why would she do what she did, and not only lie about it, but lie about her feelings about this guy to me almost on a daily basis while telling me that she loved me. These two people deserve each other. They are both terrible people, and amazing examples of how exactly NOT to go about relationships. They are examples of what happens when the weak-minded lead the weak-minded. It's all about running at each other with helmets on, while tripping over sticks and singing pop goes the weasel. Why pay attention to real life when you can have fun, right? Bills? Fuck that! Mommy will pay them for me like she did last month! LET'S GO SHOPPING! Ri-fucking-diculous.
I hope they are happy, because they are all they are going to have. They both don't have anything even resembling a friend anymore. At least not within 4 states' proximity. And I'm pretty sure she's been lying to those people as pertaining to what EXACTLY happened. I honestly need to find something different to blog about. But when your life has been turned on its ear, you tend to only really think about what turned your life all topsy-turvey. I'll blog about a happy thing real quick though!
My sister is getting married in May. I'm so excited for her! Brad is such an amazing person, and I'll welcome him to the family with open arms. I know I kind of fell into being a groomsman, but I wouldn't think of regretting saying yes, and I really don't think that he regrets asking me. We've gotten closer over the past few months, and I'm very glad I decided to "convince" Lyndsay to take a chance on him during those late-night talks after work. I'm so glad that someone in this family finally found someone that will treat them like they fucking deserve to be treated. Let's hope she isn't the last, either. I'm happy that I get to walk down the aisle with Ashley, Amanda's (former) best-friend. Like I've said in a few other posts, she's been a rock to me the past few months, even though it's been maddening for her and her husband. She put up with me when even my family was getting tired of me. ;) I would love nothing more than to accompany her down the aisle, and party like hell after the wedding. Let's just make sure that this party doesn't end with me head in a trash can, yeah?
Now I'm done.
-JWR
It's the truth though. Mathematics can define many things in this world. Math can define limits for any sort of engineering, physics, and it's pretty much the lifeblood of any sort of advances that society makes as a whole. One of the things that math cannot quantify? Love. Love is something that is immeasurable. Love is not a quantity. Love is... undefined in the mathematical sense. What I mean by this is that love is actually defined linguistically, but as an entity, you cannot define it. I wonder if it's for that reason that it's so hard to find, and once you do find it, you are not even sure about it even still. I thought I had it with Amanda. I was clearly wrong. I must not have done the derivative correctly in my equation or something, right? :P
I learned some more news about my sad, 5 year, farce of a former relationship last night. The news did not sit very well. In fact, it made me drink until I threw up about 10 times. It was not really all that enjoyable. Now, here's the rub on this subject; I don't know if I needed to know that. I mean, I'm glad that I do know now, but when I was already trashed and emotional was probably not the best time. I know that she's a cheating whore. I know that she has probably been seeing this other guy on the side for quite some time now. I know that she's been lying to me for AT LEAST a year. I now know who she is, and that person is terrible. She may be lovely on the outside, but on the inside she is a bitter husk of her former self. She is the discarded remnants from a night of passion. She's a prom night dumpster baby, and the "mother" poured her last beer all over "It" as she threw "It" away. She is garbage. I'm not bitter though, honestly. Do I sound bitter?! Ok, I'm fucking bitter.
I'm better off with her being gone, because our relationship for the past year has been based on a lie. It's been based off of a mother-fucking bullshit lie. This does not make me happy to say (type), but for Christ's sake I'm SO tired of feeling like I've done something wrong. I've done nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. All of her reasons for her taking this path, and all her reasons for her leaving me are absolutely superficial. They are selfish. They are... stupid, to be quite blunt. I had all things that she quoted me the first night that she broke up with me fixed within 20 minutes of her leaving. Clearly these were not the real problem. In my heart, knowing what I know now, she would have left me eventually anyway. She just happened to find her excuse recently. She has wanted to do this since that night that he first tried to steal her away from me, in my humble opinion. Otherwise, why would she do what she did, and not only lie about it, but lie about her feelings about this guy to me almost on a daily basis while telling me that she loved me. These two people deserve each other. They are both terrible people, and amazing examples of how exactly NOT to go about relationships. They are examples of what happens when the weak-minded lead the weak-minded. It's all about running at each other with helmets on, while tripping over sticks and singing pop goes the weasel. Why pay attention to real life when you can have fun, right? Bills? Fuck that! Mommy will pay them for me like she did last month! LET'S GO SHOPPING! Ri-fucking-diculous.
I hope they are happy, because they are all they are going to have. They both don't have anything even resembling a friend anymore. At least not within 4 states' proximity. And I'm pretty sure she's been lying to those people as pertaining to what EXACTLY happened. I honestly need to find something different to blog about. But when your life has been turned on its ear, you tend to only really think about what turned your life all topsy-turvey. I'll blog about a happy thing real quick though!
My sister is getting married in May. I'm so excited for her! Brad is such an amazing person, and I'll welcome him to the family with open arms. I know I kind of fell into being a groomsman, but I wouldn't think of regretting saying yes, and I really don't think that he regrets asking me. We've gotten closer over the past few months, and I'm very glad I decided to "convince" Lyndsay to take a chance on him during those late-night talks after work. I'm so glad that someone in this family finally found someone that will treat them like they fucking deserve to be treated. Let's hope she isn't the last, either. I'm happy that I get to walk down the aisle with Ashley, Amanda's (former) best-friend. Like I've said in a few other posts, she's been a rock to me the past few months, even though it's been maddening for her and her husband. She put up with me when even my family was getting tired of me. ;) I would love nothing more than to accompany her down the aisle, and party like hell after the wedding. Let's just make sure that this party doesn't end with me head in a trash can, yeah?
Now I'm done.
-JWR
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
An off day...
I had a terribly off day yesterday. It started even before I woke up. I had a dream about her. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what it was about either. All I know is that I had one, so I woke up in a pretty bitchy mood to start off with. I never really lost that mood throughout the day either. I'm not really sure why.
I suppose I should have, at least somewhat, seen this coming. I've been pretty well for a long while now, so I should have foreseen some sort of a step backwards. It was not a huge step backwards, maybe a baby step, but I went backwards regardless. You know, I don't really miss her very much any more as a person. I miss her as a representation. I miss being able to come home and bitch about basically anything and everything to someone, and they would listen to me. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss some of the physical aspects of the relationship (obviously, who is NOT going to miss that?). I miss the things of our relationship that made me happy. That's only natural, right?
The things I don't miss are much greater in number than the things that I do. I don't miss the clutter that was in the house. I don't miss the jealousy of when she would go off to Omaha to "hang out with Nick", or as I refer to it now, "Probably cheat on Johnny.". I don't miss the pissy girlfriend that seemed pissy for no (good) reason. I don't miss EVERY FREAKING TIME I would sit down with her that she would put her feet on my lap and expect me to rub her feet. I mean Every. Time. There was no asking, there was no debate, I was going to do it. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed doing that sometimes. But when someone just assumes that it's going to happen just because I sat down next to them, I don't think that's really ok. Especially because there was never any attempt at reciprocation. There were always excuses when I needed one, which wasn't often mind you. Maybe once a month. It got to the point that I would sit on the floor, if my hands were sore from work or whatever, when I didn't think I could rub her feet. She didn't really care that my hands hurt though, she didn't get what she wanted so she got irritated with me, so I ended up doing it anyway. I don't miss her selfish nature that I just described either. I really don't. I don't miss her asking for money to go shopping, or to buy food. I think she bought groceries for "us" all of 4 times while she was living here, whereas I went shopping specifically for "us" when I went. I don't miss all of the take-out food we would eat. I like eating out, (giggity) sure, but it seemed like if I wasn't planning on making anything, than we were getting delivery or Runza, or something like that. She did some cooking, that much is undeniable. It just seemed like towards the end there was no real indication of her wanting to anymore. Maybe that was another warning sign that I missed. Even when I did make something, there was never a thanks for making dinner, there was never an appreciation for what I had done. Again, I'm speaking about the end of the relationship, not the good part.
I know there's more I'm forgetting even. So there are CLEARLY more bad than good things going on here. Relationships are give and take, not just take take take. I'm not sure why I'm still kind of hung up on all of this. I don't know if it's because 5 years of my life just kind of went down the shitter. I don't know if it's because I still harbor some feelings. I don't know if it's just because I'm pissed off about how the whole situation went down. Sometimes it's still hard to sit here and say, "Well, ok, she's happier now and so am I." beacuse of what she left me for! I mean, she left me for a high-school drop-out, who looks like his face is wrapped in leathery, weathered, saddlebags, who clearly has an anger problem (See: Terroristic Threats), clearly has an obsession problem (See: Texting people 100,000 times), and NO ONE likes. Her cousin talked to me the other night, and said that he "creeps him out." and that he doesn't think anyone in the family likes the new guy. ANDREW KEHM IS CREEPED OUT BY THIS PERSON. I didn't know that was possible. I like Andrew a good deal, but he doesn't really get "creeped out" by much.
I'm clearly the better man. I'm clearly the better person. I'm clearly the smarter person. I'm clearly the superior human being. So... what exactly is she seeing in this piece of human garbage? Who knows! I feel better for writing this. I'm still kinda off, as things sit right now, but I can recognize a big difference between yesterday and today. I guess, if nothing else, that's a positive!
Groovy.
-JWR
I suppose I should have, at least somewhat, seen this coming. I've been pretty well for a long while now, so I should have foreseen some sort of a step backwards. It was not a huge step backwards, maybe a baby step, but I went backwards regardless. You know, I don't really miss her very much any more as a person. I miss her as a representation. I miss being able to come home and bitch about basically anything and everything to someone, and they would listen to me. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss some of the physical aspects of the relationship (obviously, who is NOT going to miss that?). I miss the things of our relationship that made me happy. That's only natural, right?
The things I don't miss are much greater in number than the things that I do. I don't miss the clutter that was in the house. I don't miss the jealousy of when she would go off to Omaha to "hang out with Nick", or as I refer to it now, "Probably cheat on Johnny.". I don't miss the pissy girlfriend that seemed pissy for no (good) reason. I don't miss EVERY FREAKING TIME I would sit down with her that she would put her feet on my lap and expect me to rub her feet. I mean Every. Time. There was no asking, there was no debate, I was going to do it. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed doing that sometimes. But when someone just assumes that it's going to happen just because I sat down next to them, I don't think that's really ok. Especially because there was never any attempt at reciprocation. There were always excuses when I needed one, which wasn't often mind you. Maybe once a month. It got to the point that I would sit on the floor, if my hands were sore from work or whatever, when I didn't think I could rub her feet. She didn't really care that my hands hurt though, she didn't get what she wanted so she got irritated with me, so I ended up doing it anyway. I don't miss her selfish nature that I just described either. I really don't. I don't miss her asking for money to go shopping, or to buy food. I think she bought groceries for "us" all of 4 times while she was living here, whereas I went shopping specifically for "us" when I went. I don't miss all of the take-out food we would eat. I like eating out, (giggity) sure, but it seemed like if I wasn't planning on making anything, than we were getting delivery or Runza, or something like that. She did some cooking, that much is undeniable. It just seemed like towards the end there was no real indication of her wanting to anymore. Maybe that was another warning sign that I missed. Even when I did make something, there was never a thanks for making dinner, there was never an appreciation for what I had done. Again, I'm speaking about the end of the relationship, not the good part.
I know there's more I'm forgetting even. So there are CLEARLY more bad than good things going on here. Relationships are give and take, not just take take take. I'm not sure why I'm still kind of hung up on all of this. I don't know if it's because 5 years of my life just kind of went down the shitter. I don't know if it's because I still harbor some feelings. I don't know if it's just because I'm pissed off about how the whole situation went down. Sometimes it's still hard to sit here and say, "Well, ok, she's happier now and so am I." beacuse of what she left me for! I mean, she left me for a high-school drop-out, who looks like his face is wrapped in leathery, weathered, saddlebags, who clearly has an anger problem (See: Terroristic Threats), clearly has an obsession problem (See: Texting people 100,000 times), and NO ONE likes. Her cousin talked to me the other night, and said that he "creeps him out." and that he doesn't think anyone in the family likes the new guy. ANDREW KEHM IS CREEPED OUT BY THIS PERSON. I didn't know that was possible. I like Andrew a good deal, but he doesn't really get "creeped out" by much.
I'm clearly the better man. I'm clearly the better person. I'm clearly the smarter person. I'm clearly the superior human being. So... what exactly is she seeing in this piece of human garbage? Who knows! I feel better for writing this. I'm still kinda off, as things sit right now, but I can recognize a big difference between yesterday and today. I guess, if nothing else, that's a positive!
Groovy.
-JWR
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thoughts and musings at mid-day.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas, I know I did. Family sure knows how to make a guy smile. Anyway, jumping right into the fray...
This year has been weird. A new experience for sure. The first half wasn't really that exciting. There were incidents, sure. My truck finally bit the big one. I moved out into the house I am currently living in with my (then) girlfriend and my brother. But the biggest change everyone knows about already. Being single!
I haven't been single in 5 years. I'm not sure I remember how to be. I mean sure, my confidence is about as high as it has ever been, especially since I've dropped SO much weight. But the fact of the matter remains that I really don't know how to be single right now. I mean, honestly, what does a woman want to hear from some stranger that walks up to her randomly? Pick up lines are NOT my style. I'm not that guy, I never have been, and I never will be. A simple hello might suffice, but at the same time women all have a preconceived notion about men that they are all just about getting into their pants. That might be a rampant stereotype but, believe it or not, there are some of us that are just looking for someone to talk to. I guess this is something that I'll have to progress into as the time wears on.
Don't get me wrong. I'm kind of excited to be single again. It's not unlike uncharted territory. I'm like Columbus discovering the Americas. I'm Guy Montag when he grabs that first book and reads it. My world has been turned on its side, and I like it. Meeting new people is always fun to me, but at the same time I'm scared to get back out there. Rejection is not something I'm used to, much less able to take with a grain of salt. :P
I've dropped a total of about 30 pounds since all of this went down. I'm looking at dropping another 30 by my sister's wedding. I'm doing it the healthy way this time: Through diet and exercise. It amazes me just how much changing your diet can help you. I've cut out all sweets save the natural ones: Fruit. I've pretty much stopped eating all processed foods, and am cooking for myself on a daily basis. I still have the occasional pizza or something of the like, but I'm trying to cut down on that as much as I possibly can. Carrots, rices, bran cereal, things like this are my staples. I eat very little red meat, I get my daily protein and such from it surely, but It's no longer the priciple item of my meals. I'm enjoying eating like this, honestly. I don't even crave things like ice cream anymore. I get all the sweet treats from things like pears or apples. I get full from a 500-700 calorie meal. It's kind of awesome. I'm gonna be 220 in no time. :D
I'm excited! I'm excited to get back into school. I'm excited to try and make myself a better person. I'm excited to put my brain to use again. It's been stagnant for so long that I think I'm going to have a rude awakening once I actually get back into the swing of things. I'll take it all in stride though. Goal of my first semester: The Dean's List. Ready.... BEGIN.
It looks like I'm going to be moving sometime soon. I'm looking for a roommate, because I'm only looking at being inside this house for another year. Another house is calling me. My parents bought a house the past week as an investment. They are going to let me live there, and it's a solid 500 square feet larger than this one, not even including the basement. They got it for almost 30,000 dollars UNDER the appraised worth of the house. Amazing. You should have seen what I'm going to say next coming, under the circumstances. The caveat is that it is a SHIT. HOLE. We're talking probably close to a years' worth of renovations before it even becomes livable. I'm ready and raring to go on this one, because the outside looks just lovely from the pictures I've seen. It's location is over by Southeast high school, off of 40th and Van Dorn. Not quite as centralized as the house I'm living in now, but it's close enough to everything that I won't mind. While I do enjoy the house I'm living in now. I really do. The memories that I've made here are pretty good, aside from the obvious one. I wouldn't mind another 500 square feet of room!
I have had a lot of internal and external changes. I liken myself to a housing renovation. I'm knocking out walls, I'm pulling up shitty toilets, I'm exterminating rodents, I'm breaking down barriers to progression. I am such a better person for having gone through all of this shit. I'm a better man. I'm a better friend. I'm a better brother. I'm a better son. In short, I'm still the same old Johnny... just better. Version 2.0 is in effect.
This year has been weird. A new experience for sure. The first half wasn't really that exciting. There were incidents, sure. My truck finally bit the big one. I moved out into the house I am currently living in with my (then) girlfriend and my brother. But the biggest change everyone knows about already. Being single!
I haven't been single in 5 years. I'm not sure I remember how to be. I mean sure, my confidence is about as high as it has ever been, especially since I've dropped SO much weight. But the fact of the matter remains that I really don't know how to be single right now. I mean, honestly, what does a woman want to hear from some stranger that walks up to her randomly? Pick up lines are NOT my style. I'm not that guy, I never have been, and I never will be. A simple hello might suffice, but at the same time women all have a preconceived notion about men that they are all just about getting into their pants. That might be a rampant stereotype but, believe it or not, there are some of us that are just looking for someone to talk to. I guess this is something that I'll have to progress into as the time wears on.
Don't get me wrong. I'm kind of excited to be single again. It's not unlike uncharted territory. I'm like Columbus discovering the Americas. I'm Guy Montag when he grabs that first book and reads it. My world has been turned on its side, and I like it. Meeting new people is always fun to me, but at the same time I'm scared to get back out there. Rejection is not something I'm used to, much less able to take with a grain of salt. :P
I've dropped a total of about 30 pounds since all of this went down. I'm looking at dropping another 30 by my sister's wedding. I'm doing it the healthy way this time: Through diet and exercise. It amazes me just how much changing your diet can help you. I've cut out all sweets save the natural ones: Fruit. I've pretty much stopped eating all processed foods, and am cooking for myself on a daily basis. I still have the occasional pizza or something of the like, but I'm trying to cut down on that as much as I possibly can. Carrots, rices, bran cereal, things like this are my staples. I eat very little red meat, I get my daily protein and such from it surely, but It's no longer the priciple item of my meals. I'm enjoying eating like this, honestly. I don't even crave things like ice cream anymore. I get all the sweet treats from things like pears or apples. I get full from a 500-700 calorie meal. It's kind of awesome. I'm gonna be 220 in no time. :D
I'm excited! I'm excited to get back into school. I'm excited to try and make myself a better person. I'm excited to put my brain to use again. It's been stagnant for so long that I think I'm going to have a rude awakening once I actually get back into the swing of things. I'll take it all in stride though. Goal of my first semester: The Dean's List. Ready.... BEGIN.
It looks like I'm going to be moving sometime soon. I'm looking for a roommate, because I'm only looking at being inside this house for another year. Another house is calling me. My parents bought a house the past week as an investment. They are going to let me live there, and it's a solid 500 square feet larger than this one, not even including the basement. They got it for almost 30,000 dollars UNDER the appraised worth of the house. Amazing. You should have seen what I'm going to say next coming, under the circumstances. The caveat is that it is a SHIT. HOLE. We're talking probably close to a years' worth of renovations before it even becomes livable. I'm ready and raring to go on this one, because the outside looks just lovely from the pictures I've seen. It's location is over by Southeast high school, off of 40th and Van Dorn. Not quite as centralized as the house I'm living in now, but it's close enough to everything that I won't mind. While I do enjoy the house I'm living in now. I really do. The memories that I've made here are pretty good, aside from the obvious one. I wouldn't mind another 500 square feet of room!
I have had a lot of internal and external changes. I liken myself to a housing renovation. I'm knocking out walls, I'm pulling up shitty toilets, I'm exterminating rodents, I'm breaking down barriers to progression. I am such a better person for having gone through all of this shit. I'm a better man. I'm a better friend. I'm a better brother. I'm a better son. In short, I'm still the same old Johnny... just better. Version 2.0 is in effect.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bummed out.
Man, I hate winter weather. I mean, I REALLY hate winter weather. Cold does not bother me so much, but when you throw snow, ice and wind on top of it, it really bums me out. My car cannot go anywhere because it's rear-wheel drive, and I cannot just sit at home either. You know, bills to pay, money to be had, etc. So I go play slip and slide on the roads until I get where I need to go. Now, I'm more than aware that it's my own fault that I have a car that cannot get around in the snow. I used to have a truck until its engine seized on me on the way up to Omaha, but the Lincoln Road Crews did not really do an amazing job of clearing off the streets in a timely manner either.
On to other things that bum me out: Dry skin. I've never really had an issue with it until
this year. Am I just getting old, or is all that good karma finally leaving me? Who knows, honestly. I'm only 24, so that should not be the problem. I'm taking better care of myself now than I think I ever have, so my lifestyle should not have a direct effect on it. Oh well, I guess you can't analyze everything.
I went to my cousin's wedding dinner on this past Friday night. Joe and Krista looked absolutely lovely, the atmosphere was good, everyone seemed to have a good time. It was a good time, but I couldn't help by notice that I was pretty much the only single person in the room out of about 50 people. It started to get to me a little by the end of the night. I think the thing I miss the most about being in a serious relationship is that feeling. That feeling that you have someone that will pretty much do whatever with you, as long as they are with you. That, and waking up next to someone every morning. By the end of the night, I realized that I was getting kind of bitter. I don't want to feel that way, so I'm going to do my very best to attempt not to. It can be a process though, for sure.
This very well might be the last time I blog until after Christmas, and should that be true I want to wish everyone that actually reads this thing a Merry Chirstmas! Enjoy your families, enjoy your food, be joyful that we are here, and are living life.
Kira will NOT leave me alone. She is such an attention whore!
On to other things that bum me out: Dry skin. I've never really had an issue with it until
this year. Am I just getting old, or is all that good karma finally leaving me? Who knows, honestly. I'm only 24, so that should not be the problem. I'm taking better care of myself now than I think I ever have, so my lifestyle should not have a direct effect on it. Oh well, I guess you can't analyze everything.
I went to my cousin's wedding dinner on this past Friday night. Joe and Krista looked absolutely lovely, the atmosphere was good, everyone seemed to have a good time. It was a good time, but I couldn't help by notice that I was pretty much the only single person in the room out of about 50 people. It started to get to me a little by the end of the night. I think the thing I miss the most about being in a serious relationship is that feeling. That feeling that you have someone that will pretty much do whatever with you, as long as they are with you. That, and waking up next to someone every morning. By the end of the night, I realized that I was getting kind of bitter. I don't want to feel that way, so I'm going to do my very best to attempt not to. It can be a process though, for sure.
This very well might be the last time I blog until after Christmas, and should that be true I want to wish everyone that actually reads this thing a Merry Chirstmas! Enjoy your families, enjoy your food, be joyful that we are here, and are living life.
Kira will NOT leave me alone. She is such an attention whore!
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