This is it. Last blog that will be about the stupid wench that I dated for so long, and almost regret dating now. Almost.
I do not want to talk about her anymore. Ever. I do not want to think about her anymore. Ever. I've done amazingly well over the past week or 2 NOT talking about the situation at hand. At least I think I have. I'm very heartened by this! I don't miss her at all anymore. I don't even miss going to bed with her anymore. I don't miss having her here. She, quite honestly, brought out the worst in me. The lazy-pants, apathetic, irritated person you all knew is (mostly) gone. Let's be honest, I still get annoyed. Who doesn't? I still have my lazy days but, again, who doesn't? Right now, I'm happy. I'm enjoying being myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying working out 3-4 times a week. I'm enjoying not sitting at my computer nearly as much as I used to. Hell, I'm even enjoying cleaning my house and doing laundry. It's a fucking mess right now, but that will change here in the next few days.
Someone who brings out the worst in people isn't someone you want to have a relationship with. Take it from me. I have first hand experience. I see Lyndsay and Brad, or Ashley and Joe, or even Cassie and Pat, and looking back on it we didn't have what these couples have; These couples have, at least on the surface, Independence from one another. They don't have to, or need to, be together every waking moment of every day. They don't need each other at all times to be a functioning unit. This was a downfall of my relationship. She wanted me to basically be with her at all times, while ignoring the things that make me who I am. Things such as friends, family, games, etc. I cannot deal with a person such as this, and I cannot fathom why I exulted her over all others for such a long time. I probably left some pretty satisfying relationships on the table for her. Whereas once she came upon one that looked good, she bolted. She honestly reminds me of my friend Helmet's ex-wife, Julia. Julia would CONSTANTLY call Helmet and ask him to come home if he was out with friends. Amanda had/has very few friends, and of the few that she had a lot of them were my family, or have subsequently abandoned her because of how she is now acting. Wonder what she does for fun now. Nah, I don't really care.
Looking back on it, I'm not sure that we were happy for a long while. This wasn't because anything had changed in me, this was because everything had changed in her. She wasn't always the needy, attention loving, vain person that she is today. She used to be the best girl for me in the world, which is why I loved her. She used to pretty much let me do whatever I needed to do in order to feel like I had my sense of Independence. This changed about a year ago once that Douche Bag came back into the picture. Once he showed back up, she changed. She, all of a sudden, needed every waking moment of my attention. This wasn't a BAD thing per se, but once you start to live with someone, you aren't going to have their attention at all times. I suppose it's better to find out all these things now instead of later, no? Yes, I was going to ask her to marry me in February. I'm thanking whatever sentient being that is up in the big blue, if there is one, that she went crazy on me before we took that step.
I guess what I can take from this situation is this:
Never compromise your (rational) ideals for someone. What I mean by this is as such; You should never change yourself for someone. You should change yourself because you want to. If you are doing it for someone else, you will end up resenting that person eventually. If you are doing it for yourself, you will be happy as a clam. It never fails.
Never turn away someone who could be your prince/princess. I hear single girls bitching all the time about not finding nice guys to go out with. Well, maybe that person who "wasn't good enough" for you at the bar, or at the ball game, or at the ski lift, or what the hell ever was your knight in shining armor. Maybe that person that you turned down would have been the best thing that ever happened to you, and you have no one to blame but yourself for losing it. Don't get me wrong, there has to be an attraction. That's just nature. Some people just take a while to get warmed up, you know? I speak somewhat from experience, and somewhat from observation. I haven't been single in 5 years, so it's not like I was turned down a lot. But I have seen people get totally dismissed, by both males and females alike, because in the 15 seconds that they went up and said "Hello" to someone, that person decided if they were worthy or not. This is a fundamental problem in finding someone that is a fantastic person. Usually the best of us are shot down in 20 seconds! Haha. Does it really take that long out of your night to have a 5 minute conversation and try to get to know someone?
ALWAYS be a nice person. At least try to be. I'm a total asshole sometimes, but most of the time it's because the person is either A.) Related to me. Or B.) Deserves it. Being cordial is going to make you more friends, and in turn make you meet more people. Networking is the social lifeblood of dating/relationships. If more people think you are awesome, more people will introduce you to their friends they think are awesome, and then off you go!
Never take anything for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. Not ever.
Lean on your friends/family. I've gotten so much closer to all of my friends/family throughout this whole process. I don't think I could have made it through without each and every one of them. These people will always be there for you when you need them. And if they aren't, then they aren't the type of person you want to associate with anyway.
Love yourself. This is the last, and greatest, of all my points. If you don't love yourself, how can someone else possibly love you in the greatest of emotional senses? It's utterly impossible. Be confident in yourself, be confident in your abilities, and good things will happen for you. I'm slowly learning to be ok with myself. I'm much better off for all of this bullshit getting dropped on my head. I don't regret it happening even for a second at this point. I'm down to 245. I'm living life. I'm loving life. I am SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORLDS... Uh... yeah, moving on. Plus the knowledge that if she stays with this guy, she'll probably end up in a gutter somewhere doesn't hurt either. ;)
Well, that was it. This is the last blog that will be about her. It wasn't even really about her anyway, as it was about what I took from our relationship. I had a good time writing it, and hopefully I'll be able to cut that piece of my heart out that still belongs to her, and throw it in the East River or something. (Figureatively speaking of course).
Peace out, and Be Excellent to One Another.
-JWR
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I've been wanting to comment for a while now....but I couldn't think of anything to say.....
ReplyDeleteI still can't really think of much to say.....
You make excellent points.
I love Joe. I cannot spend every waking moment with him. We would be divorced in a heart beat, if we spent that much time together. ^_~ The man drives me insane. I guess it's a good thing I do love him.
Never change yourself for someone. I love that one. You both are going to change a little here and there, so that you fit nicely together....I mean, if you don't....it'll never work out....just don't change what makes you, you. ^_^
As for the never turn away from someone that could be your prince/princess.....I love this one too. I've only ever dated one guy that I wanted completely based on looks. We dated for a week. In that one week, we barely spoke to each other....all he wanted to do was make out.
The very next guy I picked, I did so based just on personality. I was never really attracted to him....but he really liked me, and he was a sweet heart. He made out with another girl at homecoming. With these experiences under the belt, I came to make my third and fourth decisions based on personality first, but I made sure that I was attracted to them too.
I was in love with the third guy. He swept me off my feet. It was the first time I'd ever been in love. It was amazing. I gave everything to him. He joined the military. He called/wrote everyday. After about four months in the military, he sent me a pearl ring. I thought we'd be married some day. About three months later....he wrote me, and said that he thought we were going to fast, and that he thought we should cool it, see other people for a while. He broke my heart.
The fourth is Joe. You know that story. ^_^
Friends/family are my rock. I could not survive anything without them.
Some days it is difficult to love yourself. I'm working on that, though.
See, that's exactly what I mean about your relationship with Joe. He can drive you crazy, and you still love him unconditionally. That's the real deal. That's something that, the odds say, won't be broken. I know Lyndsay gets annoyed with Brad sometimes and vice versa, but they work past it and talk about it. That was a fundamental flaw in our relationship. She had issues, but we would never talk about them. It was ludicrous.
ReplyDeleteI will never change myself for someone else. At least not sweeping, dramatic changes. I can change certain things, but I will not compromise what makes me Johnny. That would be insanity, because then I am no longer myself. I am only a puppet being told what to do. Right now, I'm changing things about my life to better myself. I'm wearing a shirt right now that was given to me in 1997. 12 years ago. Awesome!
I didn't start dating Amanda based on her looks. Let's be honest, she wasn't the most attractive person I could have dated back in the day. She grew into herself as a woman, and then went nuts because everyone was telling her how pretty she is now. That's fine, I guess. But my asking her out was predicated on her being the person that she was. Not because she was amazingly hot.
That's brutal about the guy in the military. Unfortunately, a lot of people go through that on a routine basis with relationships like that. :( It kind of reminds me of Amanda and my relationship while she was in Omaha. We talked a ton on the computer, and somewhat on the phone. I was in love with her, and she broke me in half. The scars are still there, but they are just that now; Scars to bear. They won't be ripped open by anything any longer. I'm done.
Haha, I'll never forget the night we brought you over the Joe's to hang out the first time, and hid while we left you at the door. I'm so glad that we had a part in creating something special!
Loving yourself is something that can only come with time and acceptance. I accept that I am overweight at the moment. I also accept that with my body type, I will always be, classically speaking, overweight. I'm very broad and thick chested. There isn't much I can do about it, so embrace it! Once you embrace yourself, you are so much happier. But there is only one person who can help you do this, and it's that person in the mirror.
Like I said, I'm loving life right now. I don't really care to let this situation bother me any longer, even though I do still think about it from time to time. I brush it off, thinking about how she will regret her decision eventually.
How is the eating healthy thing going? I'm still going strong!