New Years' Resolutions usually aren't my thing. I don't mess with them, I don't like them, I don't even usually resolve to do anything different with the coming of a new year. Usually they get broken in about... 3 days. This year is a little different. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. That probably sounds weird, I know. I've resolved to not let myself take away from the person that I am. The past few days have been hard days. I don't know if the finality of everything is starting to set in now, or if the fact that I learned she had been lying to me for over a year just set me back this much. The reality of the fact is, she won't be coming back to me. I don't know if I could even take her back at this point. Not after what I've learned and what she's done. At the same time... I can't help but still have feelings. I can't help but still think that I'm in love with her. At the very least, with the old her before she got bitten by a water-monster and lost all of her attractive qualities.
I'm having some issues. Some of them are purely physical. I feel like when we first broke up right now, where I don't really want to eat. I don't like feeling like that, so I force myself to eat something. I've gotta start finding something to occupy my time so I don't think about this cluster-fuck of a situation as much. Problem is, I've tried almost everything. Video games don't work. Movies can only last you so long. TV is the same as movies. Working out can only do so much for you before you over-work yourself. I'm devouring books like a 500 pound guy at the buffet line, but it still doesn't stop it. I don't know if it's time that I need, or something greater. I guess what I could really use is something awesome to happen. Anything awesome, really.
The one thing that actually does seem to help some is friends and family. My friends are awesome, and have been awesome throughout this whole mess. My family has pulled around me because they know I'm devastated. I guess I couldn't REALLY expect to get over a 5 year relationship in 2 months. I do hope it happens soon though.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. I'm an analytical person. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I like to overthink things. I like to talk things out rationally instead of having arguments. I'm trying to throw at least a portion of that out the window. I don't need to be rational about everything. I don't need to analyze shit until it's dead in the ground. I analyze myself constantly, and it's not a good thing. I'm very self-deprecating. I put myself down saying shit like, "Man, there is no way I can do that...". Well, I'm tired of that bullshit. I can do whatever I want to. I'm a smart guy, no one can deny that. I'm a good person, no one had better try to deny that either. I'm borderline retarded. Someone please deny that. ;) Seriously though, I've lost 30 pounds since all of this shit happened. I look pretty good. I'm wearing shirts now that I couldn't even wear in high school. My pants literally fall off of me if I'm not wearing a belt, some of them do that even when I am wearing a belt.
It's hard for me to be nice to myself, honestly. I don't like telling myself, "Self, you are a good guy. You aren't half bad looking either. You are a smart person. You are this, you are that..." I don't like doing that. Instead, I tend to do the opposite. This is the behavior I want to change. Confidence is one of the best things that you can have in life. If you are confident, usually good things happen for you. I'm confident in my abilities. I'm NOT confident enough in myself. Those sound like contradictory statements, I know. What I mean is that I'm confident enough in my abilities that I know that I can do tasks that are given to me. I can go pick the the dry-cleaning, or what the fuck ever. What I'm not confident in is myself. If I ran into a good looking girl at the dry-cleaning place, there is no way I would ever talk to her. It's a weak analogy, but it's there. I guess that's why most guys go out with friends. You are more comfortable and more confident in yourself when you are with your friends. It's now that I wish more of my friends weren't married. :P
I think I'm going to be done blogging today. I know this was kind of a mish-mash of thoughts and musings, but that's where my head is right now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I completely get what you are saying Johnny.
ReplyDeleteI know I can do things. I know when I can do things well. Hell, I'll even brag about my abilities to do things. But I am not confident about myself.
I never have been.
I've never been able to walk up to a guy and hit on him, or give him a compliment, or even just talk to him.
I think I can be an attractive girl. Hell, sometimes I think I'm a very attractive girl. But my weight is what holds me back. I know that is a terrible cliche....but it is the truth. I can't seem to get rid of these extra pounds...and I don't understand how anyone can find me attractive, when I'm so disgusted with my body.
Even now that I'm married....I still from time to time think, how? How can Joe possibly be attracted to me? I don't take compliments well, unless I think the parts of my body that bother me are disguised. You know what I mean?
Anyway....just thought I'd let you know that you're not crazy, and that I get it. ^_^
I know exactly what you mean. I still have some weight to lose to get to where I want to be. I'm getting there though.
ReplyDeleteYou are an attractive person. I've always thought so! I'll tell you how Joe is attracted to you, mmk? It's a secret, so don't tell anyone. He looks at you through the eyes of truth, not the eyes of anything else. He looks at you with the love that he always has, and always will. He sees you for the person that you are, and the mother that you are, and the wife that you are, and he loves those people.
That's what a real relationship is, and that's why a lot of women and men can't get that kind of relationship. Because they won't allow themselves to maybe look at that guy or girl who isn't "ideal", or might have something a little bit quirky about them. Everything is all about aesthetics.
Don't get me wrong here, you have to have some sort of physical attraction to someone in order to hit it off. It's just necessary. It's also not that hard to be attracted to someone. It just blows my mind. What I am saying though is that maybe, just maybe, people shouldn't put such an emphasis on it. I'll use myself as an example. I'm no prize as far as the looks department goes, I'm pretty run of the mill. So what is going to be the other person's motivation to give me a shot? It'll be the personality. However, there is where things start to unravel. If they don't give you a chance based on what you look like, or what you are wearing, or whatever, how can they possibly state that they aren't interested? This is life's conundrum. This is the dichotomy of dating.
I'll get off my soap box now.
Well thank you. It's always nice to know that someone thinks you're attractive. Even if you are already married. ^_~
ReplyDeleteI get what you are saying about why Joe is attracted to me. But I guess I more meant why would a stranger be attracted to me, you know? Like it amazes me when I get hit on by strangers when I don't see it myself. I feel overweight and unattractive most of the time. On New Years, I felt hot. The dress hid my midsection, and heels always make the calf look great, so I felt hot. I was actually very confident that night. I feel pretty hot in the dress for the wedding, because it again, hides the midsection.
I've always felt the same way....real love is about what the person is, not what they look like. Though....I do believe that you need/should be somewhat physically attracted to your mate. You don't have to be like OMG! He/she is so hawt! You just need at least one thing about them, that makes you go weak in the knees. You know?
Me? I love eyes. I always have. I even think that my eyes are my best feature. I feel like you can really know a person by studying their eyes. Maybe I'm crazy....but it works for me. You have amazing eyes, Johnny. If I were a single woman, I would totally go for you.
I think that those people that won't give you a chance purely based on your looks, are probably people you don't want to end up with anyway. Those are the people that only care about physical appearances and what over people think. You know, the kind of person Amanda is now. XD
You may not be very confident with complete strangers, but you have confidence around friends and family. I love the way you carry yourself. I don't know if I can make you understand what I mean. You are very light on your feet. You make everything look so easy. I don't really know how to explain myself...sorry if I sound crazy/weird.
Oh, I totally get what you are saying. I always think, "Seriously, what?" when someone comes up to me and starts talking to me. That barely ever happens, but I'm just saying. I feel really good in certain clothes, and kind of out of place in others, so I get that too.
ReplyDeleteEyes are a good thing for me too. I think the eyes are a gateway into the soul. You can see someone's intentions just by looking at their eyes and their movements of their eyes. That's how I generally discern if someone is lying to me. I guess I should have spent more time looking into hers, no? For the record, Sarah and I were talking about your eyes the other night. She thinks they are gorgeous as well. :)
The point I'm going for isn't really if I want to be with those people or not. I'm actually revolting against the cultural stereotype that is "dating". Just because I come up and talk to you doesn't mean that I want to fuck you, you know? I go over and see Sarah all the time at work, and I don't think I'll be in bed with her any time soon, you know? I get annoyed that some people won't even give you the time of day unless you are a good looking person. That's not the way life is supposed to work. If you aren't interested, maybe a friendship would be good, and you can introduce people to your friends, and maybe your friends will find them attractive. Does that make any sense at all? Dating is really supposed to be a social network. You meet friends, and friends of friends, and that's how relationships are formed and balance occurs. The whole bullshit about not talking to someone just because you don't think they are good enough at first glance is just that. Bullshit.
I know what you are going for with the last comments you made, I think. I've always been good at making the little things seem really effortless. :)
Right.
ReplyDeleteDating sucks.
I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore. I hope to never have to again. I never got it/was never good at it.
Yes, I too, hate those people that will not give you the time of day unless they think you are attractive. They suck.