I stole my post title from xkcd, an amazing webcomic for the nerdiest of the nerdy. This really has no bearing on anything, aside from a shameless plug for the comic!
It's the truth though. Mathematics can define many things in this world. Math can define limits for any sort of engineering, physics, and it's pretty much the lifeblood of any sort of advances that society makes as a whole. One of the things that math cannot quantify? Love. Love is something that is immeasurable. Love is not a quantity. Love is... undefined in the mathematical sense. What I mean by this is that love is actually defined linguistically, but as an entity, you cannot define it. I wonder if it's for that reason that it's so hard to find, and once you do find it, you are not even sure about it even still. I thought I had it with Amanda. I was clearly wrong. I must not have done the derivative correctly in my equation or something, right? :P
I learned some more news about my sad, 5 year, farce of a former relationship last night. The news did not sit very well. In fact, it made me drink until I threw up about 10 times. It was not really all that enjoyable. Now, here's the rub on this subject; I don't know if I needed to know that. I mean, I'm glad that I do know now, but when I was already trashed and emotional was probably not the best time. I know that she's a cheating whore. I know that she has probably been seeing this other guy on the side for quite some time now. I know that she's been lying to me for AT LEAST a year. I now know who she is, and that person is terrible. She may be lovely on the outside, but on the inside she is a bitter husk of her former self. She is the discarded remnants from a night of passion. She's a prom night dumpster baby, and the "mother" poured her last beer all over "It" as she threw "It" away. She is garbage. I'm not bitter though, honestly. Do I sound bitter?! Ok, I'm fucking bitter.
I'm better off with her being gone, because our relationship for the past year has been based on a lie. It's been based off of a mother-fucking bullshit lie. This does not make me happy to say (type), but for Christ's sake I'm SO tired of feeling like I've done something wrong. I've done nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. All of her reasons for her taking this path, and all her reasons for her leaving me are absolutely superficial. They are selfish. They are... stupid, to be quite blunt. I had all things that she quoted me the first night that she broke up with me fixed within 20 minutes of her leaving. Clearly these were not the real problem. In my heart, knowing what I know now, she would have left me eventually anyway. She just happened to find her excuse recently. She has wanted to do this since that night that he first tried to steal her away from me, in my humble opinion. Otherwise, why would she do what she did, and not only lie about it, but lie about her feelings about this guy to me almost on a daily basis while telling me that she loved me. These two people deserve each other. They are both terrible people, and amazing examples of how exactly NOT to go about relationships. They are examples of what happens when the weak-minded lead the weak-minded. It's all about running at each other with helmets on, while tripping over sticks and singing pop goes the weasel. Why pay attention to real life when you can have fun, right? Bills? Fuck that! Mommy will pay them for me like she did last month! LET'S GO SHOPPING! Ri-fucking-diculous.
I hope they are happy, because they are all they are going to have. They both don't have anything even resembling a friend anymore. At least not within 4 states' proximity. And I'm pretty sure she's been lying to those people as pertaining to what EXACTLY happened. I honestly need to find something different to blog about. But when your life has been turned on its ear, you tend to only really think about what turned your life all topsy-turvey. I'll blog about a happy thing real quick though!
My sister is getting married in May. I'm so excited for her! Brad is such an amazing person, and I'll welcome him to the family with open arms. I know I kind of fell into being a groomsman, but I wouldn't think of regretting saying yes, and I really don't think that he regrets asking me. We've gotten closer over the past few months, and I'm very glad I decided to "convince" Lyndsay to take a chance on him during those late-night talks after work. I'm so glad that someone in this family finally found someone that will treat them like they fucking deserve to be treated. Let's hope she isn't the last, either. I'm happy that I get to walk down the aisle with Ashley, Amanda's (former) best-friend. Like I've said in a few other posts, she's been a rock to me the past few months, even though it's been maddening for her and her husband. She put up with me when even my family was getting tired of me. ;) I would love nothing more than to accompany her down the aisle, and party like hell after the wedding. Let's just make sure that this party doesn't end with me head in a trash can, yeah?
Now I'm done.
-JWR
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I'm sorry you had to find out that way. I felt like a complete ass for the rest of the night, and most of the next day.
ReplyDeleteI do think that you should have known....however, I didn't want to blurt it out after getting trashed. I hope you're not mad at me. But I understand if you are. Even if it's just a little. My drunkenness overestimated your ability to handle the information. -_-
Anyway....I also look forward to walking down the isle with you. I'm super excited for this wedding. I can not wait. I certainly hope that your head does not end up in the trash can.
I wasn't mad at you. I really wasn't. I'm still not. The part that makes me the most sad is that she sat there and lied to me for over a year about it. I didn't think that she lied to me at all, ever. Instead I come to find out that seems to be all that she did throughout the past year of the relationship. I mean, how can you sit there and tell me that you love me while you are seeing someone else on the side? How is this possible? I didn't think she was such a terrible person, but I honestly can't see her in any other light anymore. She's just... bad. I don't see how she possibly thought we could still be friends after all of this. Especially if she was telling people about it. I'm almost sad I wasn't a total dick to her when she left that last time. I had the right to be, I just didn't know it yet.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, like I said, I'm really not mad. How long had you known about this, anyway? If you know anything else, it might just be time to get it all out, let me be pissed, and recover. I honestly thought that she was the best person I had ever met. Turns out that she is, bar-none, the worst. Funny how things change.
I don't really know how long ago it was...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry.
I was under the impression from her, that yes, she did kiss him back, and yes she was attracted to him...but it was not the time for that.
I was under the impression, that she was committed to you, and that the kiss was a huge drunken mistake. That's what I got out of it.
I can't even really be sure when she decided to tell me the truth about that. Though....I do remember the night....just not sure when it took place.
I remember that I told her that I was sorry for all the problems that we had, and that if I cold go back, or do it all over again, she would have been in my wedding. That was the night that she started to trust me with almost anything again, in my opinion. Looking back on it now, I'm glad that she wasn't in my wedding. That was how it was supposed to be.
She lied to both of us over the last year. I don't know that I can trust anything that came out of her mouth at all this last year. I'm looking forward to starting over new this year, with the people that I know are truly my friends.
It's ok that you don't remember. I just kinda wanted to know. I'm still not in a great place, honestly. It really hurts to know that someone you were so completely committed to wasn't committed in the same way. Hell, I dunno if she was committed at all anymore. I'll get over all of this. I really will. It's just going to be really hard. I want to start over. I want to forget her. It's just hard to move on after such a good relationship for 3 years went so sour.
ReplyDeleteI don't wish happiness on her anymore. I wish only pain and misery. I hope to whatever sentient being that is up there, if there is one, that she gets what is coming to her.