An off day...

I had a terribly off day yesterday. It started even before I woke up. I had a dream about her. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what it was about either. All I know is that I had one, so I woke up in a pretty bitchy mood to start off with. I never really lost that mood throughout the day either. I'm not really sure why.

I suppose I should have, at least somewhat, seen this coming. I've been pretty well for a long while now, so I should have foreseen some sort of a step backwards. It was not a huge step backwards, maybe a baby step, but I went backwards regardless. You know, I don't really miss her very much any more as a person. I miss her as a representation. I miss being able to come home and bitch about basically anything and everything to someone, and they would listen to me. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss some of the physical aspects of the relationship (obviously, who is NOT going to miss that?). I miss the things of our relationship that made me happy. That's only natural, right?

The things I don't miss are much greater in number than the things that I do. I don't miss the clutter that was in the house. I don't miss the jealousy of when she would go off to Omaha to "hang out with Nick", or as I refer to it now, "Probably cheat on Johnny.". I don't miss the pissy girlfriend that seemed pissy for no (good) reason. I don't miss EVERY FREAKING TIME I would sit down with her that she would put her feet on my lap and expect me to rub her feet. I mean Every. Time. There was no asking, there was no debate, I was going to do it. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed doing that sometimes. But when someone just assumes that it's going to happen just because I sat down next to them, I don't think that's really ok. Especially because there was never any attempt at reciprocation. There were always excuses when I needed one, which wasn't often mind you. Maybe once a month. It got to the point that I would sit on the floor, if my hands were sore from work or whatever, when I didn't think I could rub her feet. She didn't really care that my hands hurt though, she didn't get what she wanted so she got irritated with me, so I ended up doing it anyway. I don't miss her selfish nature that I just described either. I really don't. I don't miss her asking for money to go shopping, or to buy food. I think she bought groceries for "us" all of 4 times while she was living here, whereas I went shopping specifically for "us" when I went. I don't miss all of the take-out food we would eat. I like eating out, (giggity) sure, but it seemed like if I wasn't planning on making anything, than we were getting delivery or Runza, or something like that. She did some cooking, that much is undeniable. It just seemed like towards the end there was no real indication of her wanting to anymore. Maybe that was another warning sign that I missed. Even when I did make something, there was never a thanks for making dinner, there was never an appreciation for what I had done. Again, I'm speaking about the end of the relationship, not the good part.

I know there's more I'm forgetting even. So there are CLEARLY more bad than good things going on here. Relationships are give and take, not just take take take. I'm not sure why I'm still kind of hung up on all of this. I don't know if it's because 5 years of my life just kind of went down the shitter. I don't know if it's because I still harbor some feelings. I don't know if it's just because I'm pissed off about how the whole situation went down. Sometimes it's still hard to sit here and say, "Well, ok, she's happier now and so am I." beacuse of what she left me for! I mean, she left me for a high-school drop-out, who looks like his face is wrapped in leathery, weathered, saddlebags, who clearly has an anger problem (See: Terroristic Threats), clearly has an obsession problem (See: Texting people 100,000 times), and NO ONE likes. Her cousin talked to me the other night, and said that he "creeps him out." and that he doesn't think anyone in the family likes the new guy. ANDREW KEHM IS CREEPED OUT BY THIS PERSON. I didn't know that was possible. I like Andrew a good deal, but he doesn't really get "creeped out" by much.

I'm clearly the better man. I'm clearly the better person. I'm clearly the smarter person. I'm clearly the superior human being. So... what exactly is she seeing in this piece of human garbage? Who knows! I feel better for writing this. I'm still kinda off, as things sit right now, but I can recognize a big difference between yesterday and today. I guess, if nothing else, that's a positive!

Groovy.

-JWR