Here I am yet again. Not a lot to say today, but I guess the consequence of having such a life-altering experience happen to you is that you only really talk about one thing; That which has effected you most.
I'm still doing very well. I've put 5 pounds back on, which I don't enjoy, but I'm looking a lot healthier. I have a lot of spring in my step, a lot of energy to get things done around the house, (This house has NEVER been cleaner.) and above all else I have the attitude back that made me who I am in the first place. Honestly, I haven't really been much of myself before the past few weeks, and with good reason. I've been mopey, I've been boarder-line comatose at times. I'm snapping out of it in a huge way.
This is an amazing feeling. I don't wish anyone to go through what I did, but the feeling you get after you finally let go is astounding. You start to take life for what it is; a series of events that you can rarely control. You better hold on, because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Life is something that we generally cannot bend to our whim. If we could, I would still be in a relationship now, and probably still be unhappy. I guess it is fortuitous that we cannot control all of this mess sometimes, no? I mean, sure, sometimes it would be nice to control your own destiny. Sometimes it would be downright amazing. But you really have to ask yourself the question: Is this for my actual best interests, or is this just petty greed or superfluous bullshit that we really don't need? Most things that people would change about their life is the latter. Just a bunch of material crap that really does not have an immediate impact on our lives, but it sure does fill that dead time.
What would I change about my life? That's a great question. No, I would not go back and warn myself about that certain someone that was going to go crazy in 5 years. That was a catalyst to life-changing decisions, many of them positive! The one thing that I would go back and change right now if I could was my apathy about college fresh out of high school. But, at the same time, I have to ask myself if I would be the same person right now if I had enrolled right out of high school. That's just it, life's dichotomy. The paradox of if you were to go back and change something, would you be the same in the future? The answer is clearly a "No.". I'm much more socially apt than a lot of people are. Especially those going into the science field. I attribute this to my job, which forces me to deal with people. Even the idiots that make me want to punch someone in the forehead. Would I have the relationship with my dad that I do now if I had gone to college right off the bat? Who knows, probably not though. I'm glad to say that I've grown closer to every single member of my family over the past 8 weeks. I don't think I would give that up for the world.
If I were to have gone to college straight out of high school, I would have gone into something literary or "Arsty" as a major. Now, I'm contemplating science and math of all things. I don't know what changed, but I have a feeling I'm really going to enjoy the Engineering program at UNL. The fact that it pays really well after you finish notwithstanding, I think this is my path. I think I would do this for free, if I had the option. I'm glad to have found it, even if it did take 6 long years.
Well, this is really all I have for right now. I'm loving life, and all it has thrown at me. I'm enjoying planning out a "theme" for my house. I'm enjoying rearranging things the way I want them instead of asking someone else's opinion on everything. In short, for the first time in a long time, I'm living!
Carpe Diem.
-JWR
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A theme for your house, eh? Sounds interesting. I'm so glad that this is your attitude. You are handling things so well. I'm so happy for you. Is that the right sentiment? Such a strange thing to say, considering the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know if theme was the right word I was looking for. Really, I just want to decorate it how I want to decorate it, and not have to deal with anyone telling me that they don't like it. There were very few things of hers that I actually liked as a decoration. The candle in the room upstairs was nice, but I've already placed something where it was. Other than that, she was kinda of... well... tacky? Tacky really isn't the right word, but she wanted to hang up her wall scrolls of dudes on the wall, and I'm like, "Uh... no thanks. Dudes live in, and may be coming over to, this house. I don't want to explain why there are dudes on the walls in my foyer." Maybe that was wrong of me, but I just didn't think that was the appropriate place for those things.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad I'm feeling well too. I mean, she did me dirty. Lies, and all that jazz. It would have been really easy just to phone it in and resume my life as per before. But I've decided that isn't the way I want to go. I want to be better, I want to live better, and I want to love better than what I was. I'll find it someday, to be sure!
I don't think it's a bad sentiment to have. You're happy because I'm doing well, not necessarily because of the situation that happened on Election Day '08. You of all people know I was a wreck for 5 weeks. I'm out of that rut. I'm out of that feeling. That's why you are feeling happy for me! I'm happy because everyone is returning to at least SOME state of normalcy. I mean, sure, we've both lost someone we used to care deeply for, but I'm not sure we would still want the person around even if what happened had happened in a way that allowed her to be around, if that makes any sense. In essence, we've lost nothing, and she's lost everything. I'm strangely ok with that.
Ah, I see.
ReplyDeleteI too believe that the wall scrolls would have been tacky. Not because they look horrible....but because she is SUPPOSED to be an adult. I had posters on my wall when I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL. I guess I grew up and got over that.
She didn't necessarily have bad taste. I mean, I like a lot of things that she likes....it's just that....you kind of have to go with one 'theme' per room....not ten different 'themes' in one room. You know?
Yeah, I totally get that. It's like when she wanted to buy those lavender sheets for the bed, and our curtains in the room were Burgandy. I mean... that's just going to look out of place, you know? We had a nice pair of Burgandy sheets, and a nicer pair of black sheets, both of which looked fine with the curtains, so I didn't really understand the need for the Lavender. She didn't have bad taste, that's not really what I was going for, as I did like more than a few things she brought with her. The photo "boxes" that you could hang up on the wall were neat! And I really liked the picture that she "painted" and hung on the wall. So I wasn't trying to bash her taste, just the fact that she wanted to hang things that I didn't think were appropriate to hang in a house, you know?
ReplyDeleteI kind of agree with your statement about the wall scrolls and whatever. I mean, I don't even really have anything as far as my posters that I had on my wall at home up. I have... my autographed sports helmets sitting on the top of my desk, and that's really about it. I do need to get some sort of "decor" up though, because the walls just look... empty. They have for a long time.
Consistent thematic differences were probably a problem. I would want to keep everything in a room somewhat tied together, whereas she would want something kind of random. I guess we really were a lot more different than I thought we were, lmao.