Well, school has started. It's over for me, for about a week or so, though. My first summer session was a fantastic success, not that I expected any different. I only took one class, but getting a solid 96% in that class is nice. Trigonometry is easy, apparently. I start regular fall classes on the 24th, and it's going to be a lot more intense than the summer session. Not only because it's going to be 6 times as many classes, but it will also be a lot more hours during the day. My Monday - Wednesday - Friday is going to suck. I'm taking Calculus (I don't know why they are making me take Calc I over again...), Technical Communication, Biological Systems Engineering Seminar, and Intro, Chemistry, and... something else... maybe I'm mistaken and only had 5 classes.
Anyway, on to other things. Met a few people here and there down on campus. Nothing to really write home about, as a lot of people are really boring. I've noticed this more and more as of late. I'm not sure if it's because I've become more independent or because I've become a lot more selective, or if it's just the age difference, but people just seem to be boring. My last relationship was boring enough, thanks. I think I would like to try something a little more fun. It's kind of funny how you react to certain situations, though. I've been single for coming up on a year now, and I don't really even miss being attached. That's not to say that I don't want anything to happen for me, as that would be a ridiculous claim. I'm just saying that I'm good with where I am right now. I'm in school, going for a degree that will make me really happy (not to mention well-off), I'm living life and going out with friends quite a bit, I'm hanging out with my family more, and I'm still losing a good amount of weight. I'm down to 210, that's down 70 pounds for those of you keeping track. 30 more pounds to the "goal". I'll get there, it might just take another year or so. It's going so slowly now!
I don't really have much more to say, honestly. So, bye.
-JWR
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Interesting stuff.
Well, I'm bored. Blogging doesn't really help assuage that, but here it goes anyway.
Bought my books for my summer classes a few days ago. Got them at Amazon for about 85% off of retail price. I wish rape wasn't a part of the college life in the form of the Bookstore. Eh well, there are ways to get around it, and I know them. I guess that's what really matters. The Bookstore is for the people who have the full ride scholarships.
Father's Day was fun. Went to mom and dad's for a barbecue, hung out for 5 hours with my family minus Stephen, and then went to Alex's to kill some zombies for a few hours. Hanging out with Brad so much has been both a really good experience for me in the facet that we have a good amount in common and we're pretty similar in humor, and a bad experience in the facet that he makes me want to do things I don't have money to do. I already want a new car. It's not that my Mustang has been a terrible car for me, because it really hasn't been. It does make more noise now than I would like it to, as well as not running as well as I would like it to. More importantly though, it's not as fast as I want it to be. ;) Brad has given me a taste of speed, and I liked it. I've been looking for older (1999 - 2002) Camaros, but they are ridiculously over-priced right now for reasons that I can't quite explain. He mentioned something about selling the Trans Am earlier this week since he got his other car, but I'm just not sure I could bring myself to buy his toy, you know what I'm saying? Wouldn't really be MINE, it would be his. He also has me wanting a motorcycle. I can't afford any of these things, although at the right price a new car isn't out of the question especially with my loans from school, but it's fun to think about!
Not much of real importance to report. Still working, still working out, still losing weight, still having a blast with friends weekly, still hanging out with Lyndsay and Brad at least every few days, etc.
As a close, I'm going to include something of a rebuttal. It has come to my attention that a certain someone doesn't appreciate reading the things I, among other people, have posted on blogs. Firstly, and foremost, if you are going to brag about graduating from 2 "collages", you MIGHT want to spell the word right. I'll help you out, just like I used to all the time, C-O-L-L-E-G-E. It might just be semantics, or just a little nit-picky to you, but to others it's delicious irony. Because, as I stated, for someone to brag so VIGOROUSLY about graduating from 2 creative works of art... it might be one of the funnier things I've heard in a long while. As far as the rest of your little rant goes, I'll just say this much. I'm only going to say it once, so please pay attention. Take a look around after you are done talking about your relationship with Felon#2345631, OK? Look around, take a good long look, and listen to what should be a really familiar sound by now. If you need a little help, I'll go ahead and throw this one in too. The sound you are hearing, is the familiar sound of no one caring.
Ciao,
-JWR
Bought my books for my summer classes a few days ago. Got them at Amazon for about 85% off of retail price. I wish rape wasn't a part of the college life in the form of the Bookstore. Eh well, there are ways to get around it, and I know them. I guess that's what really matters. The Bookstore is for the people who have the full ride scholarships.
Father's Day was fun. Went to mom and dad's for a barbecue, hung out for 5 hours with my family minus Stephen, and then went to Alex's to kill some zombies for a few hours. Hanging out with Brad so much has been both a really good experience for me in the facet that we have a good amount in common and we're pretty similar in humor, and a bad experience in the facet that he makes me want to do things I don't have money to do. I already want a new car. It's not that my Mustang has been a terrible car for me, because it really hasn't been. It does make more noise now than I would like it to, as well as not running as well as I would like it to. More importantly though, it's not as fast as I want it to be. ;) Brad has given me a taste of speed, and I liked it. I've been looking for older (1999 - 2002) Camaros, but they are ridiculously over-priced right now for reasons that I can't quite explain. He mentioned something about selling the Trans Am earlier this week since he got his other car, but I'm just not sure I could bring myself to buy his toy, you know what I'm saying? Wouldn't really be MINE, it would be his. He also has me wanting a motorcycle. I can't afford any of these things, although at the right price a new car isn't out of the question especially with my loans from school, but it's fun to think about!
Not much of real importance to report. Still working, still working out, still losing weight, still having a blast with friends weekly, still hanging out with Lyndsay and Brad at least every few days, etc.
As a close, I'm going to include something of a rebuttal. It has come to my attention that a certain someone doesn't appreciate reading the things I, among other people, have posted on blogs. Firstly, and foremost, if you are going to brag about graduating from 2 "collages", you MIGHT want to spell the word right. I'll help you out, just like I used to all the time, C-O-L-L-E-G-E. It might just be semantics, or just a little nit-picky to you, but to others it's delicious irony. Because, as I stated, for someone to brag so VIGOROUSLY about graduating from 2 creative works of art... it might be one of the funnier things I've heard in a long while. As far as the rest of your little rant goes, I'll just say this much. I'm only going to say it once, so please pay attention. Take a look around after you are done talking about your relationship with Felon#2345631, OK? Look around, take a good long look, and listen to what should be a really familiar sound by now. If you need a little help, I'll go ahead and throw this one in too. The sound you are hearing, is the familiar sound of no one caring.
Ciao,
-JWR
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
So, it's been a long fucking time, yeah?
Updates!
I start school in June. That's not that far away. Biological Systems Engineering with a minor in Biomedical Engineering. It sounds like a lot, I know. Hopefully it isn't too much for me, but there isn't much that I can't handle either. I should be in school for 2-3 years, still. Even though I'm considered a junior by UNL, I have a lot of major related work to do. I'm trying to convince my mom to go back to school too! She has expressed interest in getting her master's in education so that she can be a principal and my dad can (hopefully) retire. So I'm going through the process of trying to find her an online program that she can handle.
On the subject of school, the government is giving me, that's right GIVING me, 9 thousand dollars just to step foot in the buildings. This is money I don't have to pay back, this is money that is mine. They are also offering me 10 thousand more to take out in loans per year to try and make my life more comfortable. Think they are desperate to get kids back into school? Wowee. I'll probably take out most of the loans so I don't have to work as much. That'll be nice, honestly. I was really worried about becoming like Alex, who goes more and more crazy with each passing semester, and have to work full time and go to school full time. No longer am I worried about that! The government is going to pick up almost all of my schooling + books, and I'm going to have about 8 thousand dollars of excess income to play with. Nice.
My sister is married! I sometimes still can't believe that she is. The most outstanding part of the wedding was the reception. I didn't bring a date, so I was making a fool out of myself with friends, family, and people I didn't have any idea who they were. I made a nice speech for the happy couple, and I even had to stop once because people were laughing and clapping. I always have been somewhat charismatic, I guess, but that was unexpected. I'm very happy for Lyndsay, as she has found someone that makes her even more awesome than she already was. I wasn't lying when I said she is one of my best friends, and now she has introduced me to another of my best friends, her husband. They are both amazing people, and have started on their journey towards an awesome life together. As an aside, I met Brad's niece Elizabeth, and she might be the cutest 3 year old ever. I knew her for 5 minutes, and she was my buddy. I'm apparently good with kids, because Ashley's kids like me too. Hehehe. Last time I was over there was for Kaitlyn's birthday, and the first thing Alex said to me was, "Where's your hat?" I don't think he's ever seen me without one, honestly. Kids are cute when they aren't yours. ;) I'm going to be a good dad someday.
I've lost a little more weight (like 5 more pounds), but with the wedding and a lot of other things going on in life, my workouts have subsided. I still eat like I should, it's just a little harder for me to get up and workout. I need some motivation there, and I hope I get it soon. It's going to be really difficult for me to work out and go to school at the same time. :|
I might be moving over the summer. My parents bought a new house that they are going to renovate and it's a lot nicer than the one I'm in now. It's pretty much right next to Southeast High School. It's about 2 times the size of where I am now, but it's a lot farther south than I would like, and it needs A LOT of work. A lot more than this one did when we bought it. We'll see how everything goes!
I'll end this on somewhat of a downer, unfortunately. Grandpa Weix has passed away this past week. The rosary is on Wednesday, and the funeral is on Thursday at 10am. On Friday, I went over to mom and dad's and had a whisky and a cigar for Grandpa as a sort of sendoff. This is significant for a few reasons: 1.) I don't drink much anymore. Maybe it was all the bottles I poured myself in after the split, maybe it's my healthy lifestyle now, I don't know. I just don't drink much anymore. 2.) I don't smoke. It was the second cigar I've ever smoked, the first being at Helmet's 30th birthday bash, but it was good. Gideon walked out onto the deck while I was puffing, and he said, "It smells like Grandpa's garage out here..." It really cemented that I was doing the right thing. Grandpa was a great man. A man of intelligence, of wit, of teaching, of learning, of loving, of fun and of family. He was very important to me, but I've had to be strong for my mother. She was "daddy's little girl", and she has been taking his passing very hard. She needs lots of hugs, and lots of understanding. She was there for me when I was going through my split with my worthless ex, and so I need to reciprocate accordingly. Not that I wouldn't be doing that anyway, but I'll never forget that time in my life and how much I needed her and she was there for me. I love my family more than anyone else in the world, and they need me.
Until next time,
-JWR
I start school in June. That's not that far away. Biological Systems Engineering with a minor in Biomedical Engineering. It sounds like a lot, I know. Hopefully it isn't too much for me, but there isn't much that I can't handle either. I should be in school for 2-3 years, still. Even though I'm considered a junior by UNL, I have a lot of major related work to do. I'm trying to convince my mom to go back to school too! She has expressed interest in getting her master's in education so that she can be a principal and my dad can (hopefully) retire. So I'm going through the process of trying to find her an online program that she can handle.
On the subject of school, the government is giving me, that's right GIVING me, 9 thousand dollars just to step foot in the buildings. This is money I don't have to pay back, this is money that is mine. They are also offering me 10 thousand more to take out in loans per year to try and make my life more comfortable. Think they are desperate to get kids back into school? Wowee. I'll probably take out most of the loans so I don't have to work as much. That'll be nice, honestly. I was really worried about becoming like Alex, who goes more and more crazy with each passing semester, and have to work full time and go to school full time. No longer am I worried about that! The government is going to pick up almost all of my schooling + books, and I'm going to have about 8 thousand dollars of excess income to play with. Nice.
My sister is married! I sometimes still can't believe that she is. The most outstanding part of the wedding was the reception. I didn't bring a date, so I was making a fool out of myself with friends, family, and people I didn't have any idea who they were. I made a nice speech for the happy couple, and I even had to stop once because people were laughing and clapping. I always have been somewhat charismatic, I guess, but that was unexpected. I'm very happy for Lyndsay, as she has found someone that makes her even more awesome than she already was. I wasn't lying when I said she is one of my best friends, and now she has introduced me to another of my best friends, her husband. They are both amazing people, and have started on their journey towards an awesome life together. As an aside, I met Brad's niece Elizabeth, and she might be the cutest 3 year old ever. I knew her for 5 minutes, and she was my buddy. I'm apparently good with kids, because Ashley's kids like me too. Hehehe. Last time I was over there was for Kaitlyn's birthday, and the first thing Alex said to me was, "Where's your hat?" I don't think he's ever seen me without one, honestly. Kids are cute when they aren't yours. ;) I'm going to be a good dad someday.
I've lost a little more weight (like 5 more pounds), but with the wedding and a lot of other things going on in life, my workouts have subsided. I still eat like I should, it's just a little harder for me to get up and workout. I need some motivation there, and I hope I get it soon. It's going to be really difficult for me to work out and go to school at the same time. :|
I might be moving over the summer. My parents bought a new house that they are going to renovate and it's a lot nicer than the one I'm in now. It's pretty much right next to Southeast High School. It's about 2 times the size of where I am now, but it's a lot farther south than I would like, and it needs A LOT of work. A lot more than this one did when we bought it. We'll see how everything goes!
I'll end this on somewhat of a downer, unfortunately. Grandpa Weix has passed away this past week. The rosary is on Wednesday, and the funeral is on Thursday at 10am. On Friday, I went over to mom and dad's and had a whisky and a cigar for Grandpa as a sort of sendoff. This is significant for a few reasons: 1.) I don't drink much anymore. Maybe it was all the bottles I poured myself in after the split, maybe it's my healthy lifestyle now, I don't know. I just don't drink much anymore. 2.) I don't smoke. It was the second cigar I've ever smoked, the first being at Helmet's 30th birthday bash, but it was good. Gideon walked out onto the deck while I was puffing, and he said, "It smells like Grandpa's garage out here..." It really cemented that I was doing the right thing. Grandpa was a great man. A man of intelligence, of wit, of teaching, of learning, of loving, of fun and of family. He was very important to me, but I've had to be strong for my mother. She was "daddy's little girl", and she has been taking his passing very hard. She needs lots of hugs, and lots of understanding. She was there for me when I was going through my split with my worthless ex, and so I need to reciprocate accordingly. Not that I wouldn't be doing that anyway, but I'll never forget that time in my life and how much I needed her and she was there for me. I love my family more than anyone else in the world, and they need me.
Until next time,
-JWR
Sunday, March 22, 2009
So, it's March.
I know, I haven't really been around. Sue me.
Not a lot to really update on. I'm down to 230 pounds, essentially. I'm one pound off of my self-prescribed "wedding weight"! Not only do I look a whole lot better, but I FEEL so much better. I feel lighter, I feel healthier, I feel... GOOD. That being said, I'm not satisfied with just that. I'm going to continue to lose weight leading up to the wedding. Maybe I can shave off ten more pounds before May 9th! I mean, I took a break from my routine this past week, and I didn't gain a pound. I should be able to do this. My next goal after the wedding is 200 by July 4th. I might be happy with being 200, depending on how I look. It sounds shallow, I know; but if I don't like how I look, I'll keep losing. It is kind of weird thinking about how I will look 30 pounds lighter than I am now. I'm quite excited to see it.
I'm looking for a new job. I'm not sure if the Sysco thing is going to work out all that well with school, crunching the numbers. However, I know that I need the money to go to school, so I can't dismiss it completely either. Agitating, I know.
You know something that is REALLY agitating though? It's the people that continue to ask me: When are you going to put yourself back out there again? When are you going to try for some dates? When are you...
You know what? I'm working on myself right now. I'm working on being the best person that I can be, along with being the most awesome I have been in AGES. I think that if I focus on myself, everything else will come into focus just by default. I figure, how can I fall in love with someone else if I don't really "love" myself yet? That being said... My clothes don't fit anymore, which is awesome and bad at the same time. I've been falling out of my jeans without a belt on. I like this feeling, but I can't afford new clothes. GOSH. LIFE IS HARD! ;) Life has been pretty good lately. I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long freaking time.
Can't wait for May 9th! The wedding is going to be so much fun!
Until my next scatter-brained update, peace out.
-JWR
Not a lot to really update on. I'm down to 230 pounds, essentially. I'm one pound off of my self-prescribed "wedding weight"! Not only do I look a whole lot better, but I FEEL so much better. I feel lighter, I feel healthier, I feel... GOOD. That being said, I'm not satisfied with just that. I'm going to continue to lose weight leading up to the wedding. Maybe I can shave off ten more pounds before May 9th! I mean, I took a break from my routine this past week, and I didn't gain a pound. I should be able to do this. My next goal after the wedding is 200 by July 4th. I might be happy with being 200, depending on how I look. It sounds shallow, I know; but if I don't like how I look, I'll keep losing. It is kind of weird thinking about how I will look 30 pounds lighter than I am now. I'm quite excited to see it.
I'm looking for a new job. I'm not sure if the Sysco thing is going to work out all that well with school, crunching the numbers. However, I know that I need the money to go to school, so I can't dismiss it completely either. Agitating, I know.
You know something that is REALLY agitating though? It's the people that continue to ask me: When are you going to put yourself back out there again? When are you going to try for some dates? When are you...
You know what? I'm working on myself right now. I'm working on being the best person that I can be, along with being the most awesome I have been in AGES. I think that if I focus on myself, everything else will come into focus just by default. I figure, how can I fall in love with someone else if I don't really "love" myself yet? That being said... My clothes don't fit anymore, which is awesome and bad at the same time. I've been falling out of my jeans without a belt on. I like this feeling, but I can't afford new clothes. GOSH. LIFE IS HARD! ;) Life has been pretty good lately. I'm a lot happier than I have been in a long freaking time.
Can't wait for May 9th! The wedding is going to be so much fun!
Until my next scatter-brained update, peace out.
-JWR
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
It's been a while!
I find that without the ongoing bullshit ex-girlfriend to talk about, my life is actually pretty boring!
That being said, the saga continues. I continue to hear things about her, or things that she is doing that baffle me. Lying to her new boyfriend's parents, lying about what our relationship was, etc. It makes me think: Does she actually believe these things that she is saying? Does she really believe that I was "just some guy she was seeing for a little while."? I don't quite understand it, to be honest. Of course, I haven't understood much about this whole process. The people she is lying to are people who don't give two fucks about me, and people who she should be trying to be as truthful as possible to, you know? What good does it do to lie about it? People are confusing.
I've been thinking rationally about this situation for a few days, and I cannot come up with a rational explanation as to what she is trying to accomplish by lying. Maybe that's my problem. I'm thinking rationally. To lie to someone who can talk to Ashley's mother and get the real story is just folly. The problem with all of this is that on some level I do still care. She was everything to me for a long time, and I'll never deny that. That doesn't mean for a second that I regret the relationship ending, mind you. In fact, I'm glad that it did now a days. We would have never been happy with the way that things were going. The fact remains though, I give a shit about how she remembers me. I remember her fondly sometimes, and others I wish her emotional pain beyond anything I've experienced. That's just how breakups work, I guess. I mean, I know the people that are important to ME know what we were. On some savage level I still give a shit about how everyone views me, not just the people that are important to me, everyone. It doesn't matter if it's co-workers recognizing that I'm intelligent, or if it's just friends knowing that I'm an awesome guy. I don't feel as if I'm being given the appropriate level of recognition in this situation, not that I can, or will, do anything about it.
Man, this is getting weirder by the week it seems. Dodged a bullet with this one.
That being said, the saga continues. I continue to hear things about her, or things that she is doing that baffle me. Lying to her new boyfriend's parents, lying about what our relationship was, etc. It makes me think: Does she actually believe these things that she is saying? Does she really believe that I was "just some guy she was seeing for a little while."? I don't quite understand it, to be honest. Of course, I haven't understood much about this whole process. The people she is lying to are people who don't give two fucks about me, and people who she should be trying to be as truthful as possible to, you know? What good does it do to lie about it? People are confusing.
I've been thinking rationally about this situation for a few days, and I cannot come up with a rational explanation as to what she is trying to accomplish by lying. Maybe that's my problem. I'm thinking rationally. To lie to someone who can talk to Ashley's mother and get the real story is just folly. The problem with all of this is that on some level I do still care. She was everything to me for a long time, and I'll never deny that. That doesn't mean for a second that I regret the relationship ending, mind you. In fact, I'm glad that it did now a days. We would have never been happy with the way that things were going. The fact remains though, I give a shit about how she remembers me. I remember her fondly sometimes, and others I wish her emotional pain beyond anything I've experienced. That's just how breakups work, I guess. I mean, I know the people that are important to ME know what we were. On some savage level I still give a shit about how everyone views me, not just the people that are important to me, everyone. It doesn't matter if it's co-workers recognizing that I'm intelligent, or if it's just friends knowing that I'm an awesome guy. I don't feel as if I'm being given the appropriate level of recognition in this situation, not that I can, or will, do anything about it.
Man, this is getting weirder by the week it seems. Dodged a bullet with this one.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Sweetest Thing in Life...
The sweetest thing in life is knowing that you are succeeding. I have set out on a quest. A quest to get down to 220 pounds for my sister's wedding in May. I've come a loooong way down from 275 pounds to clock in at 239 today. Doesn't take a math major to figure out that I'm only 19 pounds away! It also doesn't take a math major to figure out that I have lost a whopping 36 pounds since Halloween. I am overly excited about this. I am amazed at how "easily" it has come off, honestly. I know these last 19 will probably be the longest pounds of my life, but I don't care. I might try to go even lower than 220 after the wedding, but I cannot fathom how I'm going to look even at 220, much less something like 200. I don't wanna get too small! I'm winning. I've not let the world and its crazy ways get to me. I am not going to be going back to eating all the bullshit that I've given up for these past few months. The days of drinking soda, eating shitty food, and being fat are over. I'm committed, and solidified in my quest.
In case anyone who actually reads this is wondering, I've done it through correct diet and exercise. I've adopted a new philosophy that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing correctly. This applies to eating, working out, cleaning, just general life things. It really is astounding how just changing your diet and doing a quick 30-45 minute workout 3-4 days a week can totally change your body. Don't get me wrong, changing your diet can be REALLY hard if you are caring for more people than just yourself. Finding time to workout is even hard for me, and I live alone. You have to make the time, or it won't get done. I've been mostly weight training with some core work thrown in, and it's produced results. I'm extremely happy with where I'm headed! I put in a lot of research and time into picking what kind of workouts I do, and I think I've done pretty well for myself so far. I'm only 3 weeks in, and I've dropped a ton of weight. The tougher programs are even still to come!
Nothing else really new in the life, as of yet. I'm looking for a new job, and am seriously considering asking Brad to put in a good word for me at Sysco. The benefits are awesome, and after taxes it would be something like a 700 dollar raise a month, that's not pocket change. The hours would jive pretty well with going to school, I just don't know when I would sleep! The sacrifices we make, right? Doing this will put me in a MUCH better financial position, and I won't be just scraping by each month. Would be nice to know how that feels. Like I said, the hours will suck, and the job probably will too, but I've got to find something different.
That's all I have for now, I'll catch you later
-JWR
In case anyone who actually reads this is wondering, I've done it through correct diet and exercise. I've adopted a new philosophy that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing correctly. This applies to eating, working out, cleaning, just general life things. It really is astounding how just changing your diet and doing a quick 30-45 minute workout 3-4 days a week can totally change your body. Don't get me wrong, changing your diet can be REALLY hard if you are caring for more people than just yourself. Finding time to workout is even hard for me, and I live alone. You have to make the time, or it won't get done. I've been mostly weight training with some core work thrown in, and it's produced results. I'm extremely happy with where I'm headed! I put in a lot of research and time into picking what kind of workouts I do, and I think I've done pretty well for myself so far. I'm only 3 weeks in, and I've dropped a ton of weight. The tougher programs are even still to come!
Nothing else really new in the life, as of yet. I'm looking for a new job, and am seriously considering asking Brad to put in a good word for me at Sysco. The benefits are awesome, and after taxes it would be something like a 700 dollar raise a month, that's not pocket change. The hours would jive pretty well with going to school, I just don't know when I would sleep! The sacrifices we make, right? Doing this will put me in a MUCH better financial position, and I won't be just scraping by each month. Would be nice to know how that feels. Like I said, the hours will suck, and the job probably will too, but I've got to find something different.
That's all I have for now, I'll catch you later
-JWR
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Exultation of That Thing.
This is it. Last blog that will be about the stupid wench that I dated for so long, and almost regret dating now. Almost.
I do not want to talk about her anymore. Ever. I do not want to think about her anymore. Ever. I've done amazingly well over the past week or 2 NOT talking about the situation at hand. At least I think I have. I'm very heartened by this! I don't miss her at all anymore. I don't even miss going to bed with her anymore. I don't miss having her here. She, quite honestly, brought out the worst in me. The lazy-pants, apathetic, irritated person you all knew is (mostly) gone. Let's be honest, I still get annoyed. Who doesn't? I still have my lazy days but, again, who doesn't? Right now, I'm happy. I'm enjoying being myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying working out 3-4 times a week. I'm enjoying not sitting at my computer nearly as much as I used to. Hell, I'm even enjoying cleaning my house and doing laundry. It's a fucking mess right now, but that will change here in the next few days.
Someone who brings out the worst in people isn't someone you want to have a relationship with. Take it from me. I have first hand experience. I see Lyndsay and Brad, or Ashley and Joe, or even Cassie and Pat, and looking back on it we didn't have what these couples have; These couples have, at least on the surface, Independence from one another. They don't have to, or need to, be together every waking moment of every day. They don't need each other at all times to be a functioning unit. This was a downfall of my relationship. She wanted me to basically be with her at all times, while ignoring the things that make me who I am. Things such as friends, family, games, etc. I cannot deal with a person such as this, and I cannot fathom why I exulted her over all others for such a long time. I probably left some pretty satisfying relationships on the table for her. Whereas once she came upon one that looked good, she bolted. She honestly reminds me of my friend Helmet's ex-wife, Julia. Julia would CONSTANTLY call Helmet and ask him to come home if he was out with friends. Amanda had/has very few friends, and of the few that she had a lot of them were my family, or have subsequently abandoned her because of how she is now acting. Wonder what she does for fun now. Nah, I don't really care.
Looking back on it, I'm not sure that we were happy for a long while. This wasn't because anything had changed in me, this was because everything had changed in her. She wasn't always the needy, attention loving, vain person that she is today. She used to be the best girl for me in the world, which is why I loved her. She used to pretty much let me do whatever I needed to do in order to feel like I had my sense of Independence. This changed about a year ago once that Douche Bag came back into the picture. Once he showed back up, she changed. She, all of a sudden, needed every waking moment of my attention. This wasn't a BAD thing per se, but once you start to live with someone, you aren't going to have their attention at all times. I suppose it's better to find out all these things now instead of later, no? Yes, I was going to ask her to marry me in February. I'm thanking whatever sentient being that is up in the big blue, if there is one, that she went crazy on me before we took that step.
I guess what I can take from this situation is this:
Never compromise your (rational) ideals for someone. What I mean by this is as such; You should never change yourself for someone. You should change yourself because you want to. If you are doing it for someone else, you will end up resenting that person eventually. If you are doing it for yourself, you will be happy as a clam. It never fails.
Never turn away someone who could be your prince/princess. I hear single girls bitching all the time about not finding nice guys to go out with. Well, maybe that person who "wasn't good enough" for you at the bar, or at the ball game, or at the ski lift, or what the hell ever was your knight in shining armor. Maybe that person that you turned down would have been the best thing that ever happened to you, and you have no one to blame but yourself for losing it. Don't get me wrong, there has to be an attraction. That's just nature. Some people just take a while to get warmed up, you know? I speak somewhat from experience, and somewhat from observation. I haven't been single in 5 years, so it's not like I was turned down a lot. But I have seen people get totally dismissed, by both males and females alike, because in the 15 seconds that they went up and said "Hello" to someone, that person decided if they were worthy or not. This is a fundamental problem in finding someone that is a fantastic person. Usually the best of us are shot down in 20 seconds! Haha. Does it really take that long out of your night to have a 5 minute conversation and try to get to know someone?
ALWAYS be a nice person. At least try to be. I'm a total asshole sometimes, but most of the time it's because the person is either A.) Related to me. Or B.) Deserves it. Being cordial is going to make you more friends, and in turn make you meet more people. Networking is the social lifeblood of dating/relationships. If more people think you are awesome, more people will introduce you to their friends they think are awesome, and then off you go!
Never take anything for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. Not ever.
Lean on your friends/family. I've gotten so much closer to all of my friends/family throughout this whole process. I don't think I could have made it through without each and every one of them. These people will always be there for you when you need them. And if they aren't, then they aren't the type of person you want to associate with anyway.
Love yourself. This is the last, and greatest, of all my points. If you don't love yourself, how can someone else possibly love you in the greatest of emotional senses? It's utterly impossible. Be confident in yourself, be confident in your abilities, and good things will happen for you. I'm slowly learning to be ok with myself. I'm much better off for all of this bullshit getting dropped on my head. I don't regret it happening even for a second at this point. I'm down to 245. I'm living life. I'm loving life. I am SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORLDS... Uh... yeah, moving on. Plus the knowledge that if she stays with this guy, she'll probably end up in a gutter somewhere doesn't hurt either. ;)
Well, that was it. This is the last blog that will be about her. It wasn't even really about her anyway, as it was about what I took from our relationship. I had a good time writing it, and hopefully I'll be able to cut that piece of my heart out that still belongs to her, and throw it in the East River or something. (Figureatively speaking of course).
Peace out, and Be Excellent to One Another.
-JWR
I do not want to talk about her anymore. Ever. I do not want to think about her anymore. Ever. I've done amazingly well over the past week or 2 NOT talking about the situation at hand. At least I think I have. I'm very heartened by this! I don't miss her at all anymore. I don't even miss going to bed with her anymore. I don't miss having her here. She, quite honestly, brought out the worst in me. The lazy-pants, apathetic, irritated person you all knew is (mostly) gone. Let's be honest, I still get annoyed. Who doesn't? I still have my lazy days but, again, who doesn't? Right now, I'm happy. I'm enjoying being myself for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying working out 3-4 times a week. I'm enjoying not sitting at my computer nearly as much as I used to. Hell, I'm even enjoying cleaning my house and doing laundry. It's a fucking mess right now, but that will change here in the next few days.
Someone who brings out the worst in people isn't someone you want to have a relationship with. Take it from me. I have first hand experience. I see Lyndsay and Brad, or Ashley and Joe, or even Cassie and Pat, and looking back on it we didn't have what these couples have; These couples have, at least on the surface, Independence from one another. They don't have to, or need to, be together every waking moment of every day. They don't need each other at all times to be a functioning unit. This was a downfall of my relationship. She wanted me to basically be with her at all times, while ignoring the things that make me who I am. Things such as friends, family, games, etc. I cannot deal with a person such as this, and I cannot fathom why I exulted her over all others for such a long time. I probably left some pretty satisfying relationships on the table for her. Whereas once she came upon one that looked good, she bolted. She honestly reminds me of my friend Helmet's ex-wife, Julia. Julia would CONSTANTLY call Helmet and ask him to come home if he was out with friends. Amanda had/has very few friends, and of the few that she had a lot of them were my family, or have subsequently abandoned her because of how she is now acting. Wonder what she does for fun now. Nah, I don't really care.
Looking back on it, I'm not sure that we were happy for a long while. This wasn't because anything had changed in me, this was because everything had changed in her. She wasn't always the needy, attention loving, vain person that she is today. She used to be the best girl for me in the world, which is why I loved her. She used to pretty much let me do whatever I needed to do in order to feel like I had my sense of Independence. This changed about a year ago once that Douche Bag came back into the picture. Once he showed back up, she changed. She, all of a sudden, needed every waking moment of my attention. This wasn't a BAD thing per se, but once you start to live with someone, you aren't going to have their attention at all times. I suppose it's better to find out all these things now instead of later, no? Yes, I was going to ask her to marry me in February. I'm thanking whatever sentient being that is up in the big blue, if there is one, that she went crazy on me before we took that step.
I guess what I can take from this situation is this:
Never compromise your (rational) ideals for someone. What I mean by this is as such; You should never change yourself for someone. You should change yourself because you want to. If you are doing it for someone else, you will end up resenting that person eventually. If you are doing it for yourself, you will be happy as a clam. It never fails.
Never turn away someone who could be your prince/princess. I hear single girls bitching all the time about not finding nice guys to go out with. Well, maybe that person who "wasn't good enough" for you at the bar, or at the ball game, or at the ski lift, or what the hell ever was your knight in shining armor. Maybe that person that you turned down would have been the best thing that ever happened to you, and you have no one to blame but yourself for losing it. Don't get me wrong, there has to be an attraction. That's just nature. Some people just take a while to get warmed up, you know? I speak somewhat from experience, and somewhat from observation. I haven't been single in 5 years, so it's not like I was turned down a lot. But I have seen people get totally dismissed, by both males and females alike, because in the 15 seconds that they went up and said "Hello" to someone, that person decided if they were worthy or not. This is a fundamental problem in finding someone that is a fantastic person. Usually the best of us are shot down in 20 seconds! Haha. Does it really take that long out of your night to have a 5 minute conversation and try to get to know someone?
ALWAYS be a nice person. At least try to be. I'm a total asshole sometimes, but most of the time it's because the person is either A.) Related to me. Or B.) Deserves it. Being cordial is going to make you more friends, and in turn make you meet more people. Networking is the social lifeblood of dating/relationships. If more people think you are awesome, more people will introduce you to their friends they think are awesome, and then off you go!
Never take anything for granted. Nothing is guaranteed. Not ever.
Lean on your friends/family. I've gotten so much closer to all of my friends/family throughout this whole process. I don't think I could have made it through without each and every one of them. These people will always be there for you when you need them. And if they aren't, then they aren't the type of person you want to associate with anyway.
Love yourself. This is the last, and greatest, of all my points. If you don't love yourself, how can someone else possibly love you in the greatest of emotional senses? It's utterly impossible. Be confident in yourself, be confident in your abilities, and good things will happen for you. I'm slowly learning to be ok with myself. I'm much better off for all of this bullshit getting dropped on my head. I don't regret it happening even for a second at this point. I'm down to 245. I'm living life. I'm loving life. I am SHIVA, DESTROYER OF WORLDS... Uh... yeah, moving on. Plus the knowledge that if she stays with this guy, she'll probably end up in a gutter somewhere doesn't hurt either. ;)
Well, that was it. This is the last blog that will be about her. It wasn't even really about her anyway, as it was about what I took from our relationship. I had a good time writing it, and hopefully I'll be able to cut that piece of my heart out that still belongs to her, and throw it in the East River or something. (Figureatively speaking of course).
Peace out, and Be Excellent to One Another.
-JWR
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Resolutions.
New Years' Resolutions usually aren't my thing. I don't mess with them, I don't like them, I don't even usually resolve to do anything different with the coming of a new year. Usually they get broken in about... 3 days. This year is a little different. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. That probably sounds weird, I know. I've resolved to not let myself take away from the person that I am. The past few days have been hard days. I don't know if the finality of everything is starting to set in now, or if the fact that I learned she had been lying to me for over a year just set me back this much. The reality of the fact is, she won't be coming back to me. I don't know if I could even take her back at this point. Not after what I've learned and what she's done. At the same time... I can't help but still have feelings. I can't help but still think that I'm in love with her. At the very least, with the old her before she got bitten by a water-monster and lost all of her attractive qualities.
I'm having some issues. Some of them are purely physical. I feel like when we first broke up right now, where I don't really want to eat. I don't like feeling like that, so I force myself to eat something. I've gotta start finding something to occupy my time so I don't think about this cluster-fuck of a situation as much. Problem is, I've tried almost everything. Video games don't work. Movies can only last you so long. TV is the same as movies. Working out can only do so much for you before you over-work yourself. I'm devouring books like a 500 pound guy at the buffet line, but it still doesn't stop it. I don't know if it's time that I need, or something greater. I guess what I could really use is something awesome to happen. Anything awesome, really.
The one thing that actually does seem to help some is friends and family. My friends are awesome, and have been awesome throughout this whole mess. My family has pulled around me because they know I'm devastated. I guess I couldn't REALLY expect to get over a 5 year relationship in 2 months. I do hope it happens soon though.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. I'm an analytical person. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I like to overthink things. I like to talk things out rationally instead of having arguments. I'm trying to throw at least a portion of that out the window. I don't need to be rational about everything. I don't need to analyze shit until it's dead in the ground. I analyze myself constantly, and it's not a good thing. I'm very self-deprecating. I put myself down saying shit like, "Man, there is no way I can do that...". Well, I'm tired of that bullshit. I can do whatever I want to. I'm a smart guy, no one can deny that. I'm a good person, no one had better try to deny that either. I'm borderline retarded. Someone please deny that. ;) Seriously though, I've lost 30 pounds since all of this shit happened. I look pretty good. I'm wearing shirts now that I couldn't even wear in high school. My pants literally fall off of me if I'm not wearing a belt, some of them do that even when I am wearing a belt.
It's hard for me to be nice to myself, honestly. I don't like telling myself, "Self, you are a good guy. You aren't half bad looking either. You are a smart person. You are this, you are that..." I don't like doing that. Instead, I tend to do the opposite. This is the behavior I want to change. Confidence is one of the best things that you can have in life. If you are confident, usually good things happen for you. I'm confident in my abilities. I'm NOT confident enough in myself. Those sound like contradictory statements, I know. What I mean is that I'm confident enough in my abilities that I know that I can do tasks that are given to me. I can go pick the the dry-cleaning, or what the fuck ever. What I'm not confident in is myself. If I ran into a good looking girl at the dry-cleaning place, there is no way I would ever talk to her. It's a weak analogy, but it's there. I guess that's why most guys go out with friends. You are more comfortable and more confident in yourself when you are with your friends. It's now that I wish more of my friends weren't married. :P
I think I'm going to be done blogging today. I know this was kind of a mish-mash of thoughts and musings, but that's where my head is right now.
I'm having some issues. Some of them are purely physical. I feel like when we first broke up right now, where I don't really want to eat. I don't like feeling like that, so I force myself to eat something. I've gotta start finding something to occupy my time so I don't think about this cluster-fuck of a situation as much. Problem is, I've tried almost everything. Video games don't work. Movies can only last you so long. TV is the same as movies. Working out can only do so much for you before you over-work yourself. I'm devouring books like a 500 pound guy at the buffet line, but it still doesn't stop it. I don't know if it's time that I need, or something greater. I guess what I could really use is something awesome to happen. Anything awesome, really.
The one thing that actually does seem to help some is friends and family. My friends are awesome, and have been awesome throughout this whole mess. My family has pulled around me because they know I'm devastated. I guess I couldn't REALLY expect to get over a 5 year relationship in 2 months. I do hope it happens soon though.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. I've resolved to not let myself get in the way. I'm an analytical person. I always have been, and I probably always will be. I like to overthink things. I like to talk things out rationally instead of having arguments. I'm trying to throw at least a portion of that out the window. I don't need to be rational about everything. I don't need to analyze shit until it's dead in the ground. I analyze myself constantly, and it's not a good thing. I'm very self-deprecating. I put myself down saying shit like, "Man, there is no way I can do that...". Well, I'm tired of that bullshit. I can do whatever I want to. I'm a smart guy, no one can deny that. I'm a good person, no one had better try to deny that either. I'm borderline retarded. Someone please deny that. ;) Seriously though, I've lost 30 pounds since all of this shit happened. I look pretty good. I'm wearing shirts now that I couldn't even wear in high school. My pants literally fall off of me if I'm not wearing a belt, some of them do that even when I am wearing a belt.
It's hard for me to be nice to myself, honestly. I don't like telling myself, "Self, you are a good guy. You aren't half bad looking either. You are a smart person. You are this, you are that..." I don't like doing that. Instead, I tend to do the opposite. This is the behavior I want to change. Confidence is one of the best things that you can have in life. If you are confident, usually good things happen for you. I'm confident in my abilities. I'm NOT confident enough in myself. Those sound like contradictory statements, I know. What I mean is that I'm confident enough in my abilities that I know that I can do tasks that are given to me. I can go pick the the dry-cleaning, or what the fuck ever. What I'm not confident in is myself. If I ran into a good looking girl at the dry-cleaning place, there is no way I would ever talk to her. It's a weak analogy, but it's there. I guess that's why most guys go out with friends. You are more comfortable and more confident in yourself when you are with your friends. It's now that I wish more of my friends weren't married. :P
I think I'm going to be done blogging today. I know this was kind of a mish-mash of thoughts and musings, but that's where my head is right now.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
cos<3 = ?
I stole my post title from xkcd, an amazing webcomic for the nerdiest of the nerdy. This really has no bearing on anything, aside from a shameless plug for the comic!
It's the truth though. Mathematics can define many things in this world. Math can define limits for any sort of engineering, physics, and it's pretty much the lifeblood of any sort of advances that society makes as a whole. One of the things that math cannot quantify? Love. Love is something that is immeasurable. Love is not a quantity. Love is... undefined in the mathematical sense. What I mean by this is that love is actually defined linguistically, but as an entity, you cannot define it. I wonder if it's for that reason that it's so hard to find, and once you do find it, you are not even sure about it even still. I thought I had it with Amanda. I was clearly wrong. I must not have done the derivative correctly in my equation or something, right? :P
I learned some more news about my sad, 5 year, farce of a former relationship last night. The news did not sit very well. In fact, it made me drink until I threw up about 10 times. It was not really all that enjoyable. Now, here's the rub on this subject; I don't know if I needed to know that. I mean, I'm glad that I do know now, but when I was already trashed and emotional was probably not the best time. I know that she's a cheating whore. I know that she has probably been seeing this other guy on the side for quite some time now. I know that she's been lying to me for AT LEAST a year. I now know who she is, and that person is terrible. She may be lovely on the outside, but on the inside she is a bitter husk of her former self. She is the discarded remnants from a night of passion. She's a prom night dumpster baby, and the "mother" poured her last beer all over "It" as she threw "It" away. She is garbage. I'm not bitter though, honestly. Do I sound bitter?! Ok, I'm fucking bitter.
I'm better off with her being gone, because our relationship for the past year has been based on a lie. It's been based off of a mother-fucking bullshit lie. This does not make me happy to say (type), but for Christ's sake I'm SO tired of feeling like I've done something wrong. I've done nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. All of her reasons for her taking this path, and all her reasons for her leaving me are absolutely superficial. They are selfish. They are... stupid, to be quite blunt. I had all things that she quoted me the first night that she broke up with me fixed within 20 minutes of her leaving. Clearly these were not the real problem. In my heart, knowing what I know now, she would have left me eventually anyway. She just happened to find her excuse recently. She has wanted to do this since that night that he first tried to steal her away from me, in my humble opinion. Otherwise, why would she do what she did, and not only lie about it, but lie about her feelings about this guy to me almost on a daily basis while telling me that she loved me. These two people deserve each other. They are both terrible people, and amazing examples of how exactly NOT to go about relationships. They are examples of what happens when the weak-minded lead the weak-minded. It's all about running at each other with helmets on, while tripping over sticks and singing pop goes the weasel. Why pay attention to real life when you can have fun, right? Bills? Fuck that! Mommy will pay them for me like she did last month! LET'S GO SHOPPING! Ri-fucking-diculous.
I hope they are happy, because they are all they are going to have. They both don't have anything even resembling a friend anymore. At least not within 4 states' proximity. And I'm pretty sure she's been lying to those people as pertaining to what EXACTLY happened. I honestly need to find something different to blog about. But when your life has been turned on its ear, you tend to only really think about what turned your life all topsy-turvey. I'll blog about a happy thing real quick though!
My sister is getting married in May. I'm so excited for her! Brad is such an amazing person, and I'll welcome him to the family with open arms. I know I kind of fell into being a groomsman, but I wouldn't think of regretting saying yes, and I really don't think that he regrets asking me. We've gotten closer over the past few months, and I'm very glad I decided to "convince" Lyndsay to take a chance on him during those late-night talks after work. I'm so glad that someone in this family finally found someone that will treat them like they fucking deserve to be treated. Let's hope she isn't the last, either. I'm happy that I get to walk down the aisle with Ashley, Amanda's (former) best-friend. Like I've said in a few other posts, she's been a rock to me the past few months, even though it's been maddening for her and her husband. She put up with me when even my family was getting tired of me. ;) I would love nothing more than to accompany her down the aisle, and party like hell after the wedding. Let's just make sure that this party doesn't end with me head in a trash can, yeah?
Now I'm done.
-JWR
It's the truth though. Mathematics can define many things in this world. Math can define limits for any sort of engineering, physics, and it's pretty much the lifeblood of any sort of advances that society makes as a whole. One of the things that math cannot quantify? Love. Love is something that is immeasurable. Love is not a quantity. Love is... undefined in the mathematical sense. What I mean by this is that love is actually defined linguistically, but as an entity, you cannot define it. I wonder if it's for that reason that it's so hard to find, and once you do find it, you are not even sure about it even still. I thought I had it with Amanda. I was clearly wrong. I must not have done the derivative correctly in my equation or something, right? :P
I learned some more news about my sad, 5 year, farce of a former relationship last night. The news did not sit very well. In fact, it made me drink until I threw up about 10 times. It was not really all that enjoyable. Now, here's the rub on this subject; I don't know if I needed to know that. I mean, I'm glad that I do know now, but when I was already trashed and emotional was probably not the best time. I know that she's a cheating whore. I know that she has probably been seeing this other guy on the side for quite some time now. I know that she's been lying to me for AT LEAST a year. I now know who she is, and that person is terrible. She may be lovely on the outside, but on the inside she is a bitter husk of her former self. She is the discarded remnants from a night of passion. She's a prom night dumpster baby, and the "mother" poured her last beer all over "It" as she threw "It" away. She is garbage. I'm not bitter though, honestly. Do I sound bitter?! Ok, I'm fucking bitter.
I'm better off with her being gone, because our relationship for the past year has been based on a lie. It's been based off of a mother-fucking bullshit lie. This does not make me happy to say (type), but for Christ's sake I'm SO tired of feeling like I've done something wrong. I've done nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. All of her reasons for her taking this path, and all her reasons for her leaving me are absolutely superficial. They are selfish. They are... stupid, to be quite blunt. I had all things that she quoted me the first night that she broke up with me fixed within 20 minutes of her leaving. Clearly these were not the real problem. In my heart, knowing what I know now, she would have left me eventually anyway. She just happened to find her excuse recently. She has wanted to do this since that night that he first tried to steal her away from me, in my humble opinion. Otherwise, why would she do what she did, and not only lie about it, but lie about her feelings about this guy to me almost on a daily basis while telling me that she loved me. These two people deserve each other. They are both terrible people, and amazing examples of how exactly NOT to go about relationships. They are examples of what happens when the weak-minded lead the weak-minded. It's all about running at each other with helmets on, while tripping over sticks and singing pop goes the weasel. Why pay attention to real life when you can have fun, right? Bills? Fuck that! Mommy will pay them for me like she did last month! LET'S GO SHOPPING! Ri-fucking-diculous.
I hope they are happy, because they are all they are going to have. They both don't have anything even resembling a friend anymore. At least not within 4 states' proximity. And I'm pretty sure she's been lying to those people as pertaining to what EXACTLY happened. I honestly need to find something different to blog about. But when your life has been turned on its ear, you tend to only really think about what turned your life all topsy-turvey. I'll blog about a happy thing real quick though!
My sister is getting married in May. I'm so excited for her! Brad is such an amazing person, and I'll welcome him to the family with open arms. I know I kind of fell into being a groomsman, but I wouldn't think of regretting saying yes, and I really don't think that he regrets asking me. We've gotten closer over the past few months, and I'm very glad I decided to "convince" Lyndsay to take a chance on him during those late-night talks after work. I'm so glad that someone in this family finally found someone that will treat them like they fucking deserve to be treated. Let's hope she isn't the last, either. I'm happy that I get to walk down the aisle with Ashley, Amanda's (former) best-friend. Like I've said in a few other posts, she's been a rock to me the past few months, even though it's been maddening for her and her husband. She put up with me when even my family was getting tired of me. ;) I would love nothing more than to accompany her down the aisle, and party like hell after the wedding. Let's just make sure that this party doesn't end with me head in a trash can, yeah?
Now I'm done.
-JWR
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