I had a terribly off day yesterday. It started even before I woke up. I had a dream about her. I cannot, for the life of me, remember what it was about either. All I know is that I had one, so I woke up in a pretty bitchy mood to start off with. I never really lost that mood throughout the day either. I'm not really sure why.
I suppose I should have, at least somewhat, seen this coming. I've been pretty well for a long while now, so I should have foreseen some sort of a step backwards. It was not a huge step backwards, maybe a baby step, but I went backwards regardless. You know, I don't really miss her very much any more as a person. I miss her as a representation. I miss being able to come home and bitch about basically anything and everything to someone, and they would listen to me. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss some of the physical aspects of the relationship (obviously, who is NOT going to miss that?). I miss the things of our relationship that made me happy. That's only natural, right?
The things I don't miss are much greater in number than the things that I do. I don't miss the clutter that was in the house. I don't miss the jealousy of when she would go off to Omaha to "hang out with Nick", or as I refer to it now, "Probably cheat on Johnny.". I don't miss the pissy girlfriend that seemed pissy for no (good) reason. I don't miss EVERY FREAKING TIME I would sit down with her that she would put her feet on my lap and expect me to rub her feet. I mean Every. Time. There was no asking, there was no debate, I was going to do it. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed doing that sometimes. But when someone just assumes that it's going to happen just because I sat down next to them, I don't think that's really ok. Especially because there was never any attempt at reciprocation. There were always excuses when I needed one, which wasn't often mind you. Maybe once a month. It got to the point that I would sit on the floor, if my hands were sore from work or whatever, when I didn't think I could rub her feet. She didn't really care that my hands hurt though, she didn't get what she wanted so she got irritated with me, so I ended up doing it anyway. I don't miss her selfish nature that I just described either. I really don't. I don't miss her asking for money to go shopping, or to buy food. I think she bought groceries for "us" all of 4 times while she was living here, whereas I went shopping specifically for "us" when I went. I don't miss all of the take-out food we would eat. I like eating out, (giggity) sure, but it seemed like if I wasn't planning on making anything, than we were getting delivery or Runza, or something like that. She did some cooking, that much is undeniable. It just seemed like towards the end there was no real indication of her wanting to anymore. Maybe that was another warning sign that I missed. Even when I did make something, there was never a thanks for making dinner, there was never an appreciation for what I had done. Again, I'm speaking about the end of the relationship, not the good part.
I know there's more I'm forgetting even. So there are CLEARLY more bad than good things going on here. Relationships are give and take, not just take take take. I'm not sure why I'm still kind of hung up on all of this. I don't know if it's because 5 years of my life just kind of went down the shitter. I don't know if it's because I still harbor some feelings. I don't know if it's just because I'm pissed off about how the whole situation went down. Sometimes it's still hard to sit here and say, "Well, ok, she's happier now and so am I." beacuse of what she left me for! I mean, she left me for a high-school drop-out, who looks like his face is wrapped in leathery, weathered, saddlebags, who clearly has an anger problem (See: Terroristic Threats), clearly has an obsession problem (See: Texting people 100,000 times), and NO ONE likes. Her cousin talked to me the other night, and said that he "creeps him out." and that he doesn't think anyone in the family likes the new guy. ANDREW KEHM IS CREEPED OUT BY THIS PERSON. I didn't know that was possible. I like Andrew a good deal, but he doesn't really get "creeped out" by much.
I'm clearly the better man. I'm clearly the better person. I'm clearly the smarter person. I'm clearly the superior human being. So... what exactly is she seeing in this piece of human garbage? Who knows! I feel better for writing this. I'm still kinda off, as things sit right now, but I can recognize a big difference between yesterday and today. I guess, if nothing else, that's a positive!
Groovy.
-JWR
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thoughts and musings at mid-day.
I hope everyone had a great Christmas, I know I did. Family sure knows how to make a guy smile. Anyway, jumping right into the fray...
This year has been weird. A new experience for sure. The first half wasn't really that exciting. There were incidents, sure. My truck finally bit the big one. I moved out into the house I am currently living in with my (then) girlfriend and my brother. But the biggest change everyone knows about already. Being single!
I haven't been single in 5 years. I'm not sure I remember how to be. I mean sure, my confidence is about as high as it has ever been, especially since I've dropped SO much weight. But the fact of the matter remains that I really don't know how to be single right now. I mean, honestly, what does a woman want to hear from some stranger that walks up to her randomly? Pick up lines are NOT my style. I'm not that guy, I never have been, and I never will be. A simple hello might suffice, but at the same time women all have a preconceived notion about men that they are all just about getting into their pants. That might be a rampant stereotype but, believe it or not, there are some of us that are just looking for someone to talk to. I guess this is something that I'll have to progress into as the time wears on.
Don't get me wrong. I'm kind of excited to be single again. It's not unlike uncharted territory. I'm like Columbus discovering the Americas. I'm Guy Montag when he grabs that first book and reads it. My world has been turned on its side, and I like it. Meeting new people is always fun to me, but at the same time I'm scared to get back out there. Rejection is not something I'm used to, much less able to take with a grain of salt. :P
I've dropped a total of about 30 pounds since all of this went down. I'm looking at dropping another 30 by my sister's wedding. I'm doing it the healthy way this time: Through diet and exercise. It amazes me just how much changing your diet can help you. I've cut out all sweets save the natural ones: Fruit. I've pretty much stopped eating all processed foods, and am cooking for myself on a daily basis. I still have the occasional pizza or something of the like, but I'm trying to cut down on that as much as I possibly can. Carrots, rices, bran cereal, things like this are my staples. I eat very little red meat, I get my daily protein and such from it surely, but It's no longer the priciple item of my meals. I'm enjoying eating like this, honestly. I don't even crave things like ice cream anymore. I get all the sweet treats from things like pears or apples. I get full from a 500-700 calorie meal. It's kind of awesome. I'm gonna be 220 in no time. :D
I'm excited! I'm excited to get back into school. I'm excited to try and make myself a better person. I'm excited to put my brain to use again. It's been stagnant for so long that I think I'm going to have a rude awakening once I actually get back into the swing of things. I'll take it all in stride though. Goal of my first semester: The Dean's List. Ready.... BEGIN.
It looks like I'm going to be moving sometime soon. I'm looking for a roommate, because I'm only looking at being inside this house for another year. Another house is calling me. My parents bought a house the past week as an investment. They are going to let me live there, and it's a solid 500 square feet larger than this one, not even including the basement. They got it for almost 30,000 dollars UNDER the appraised worth of the house. Amazing. You should have seen what I'm going to say next coming, under the circumstances. The caveat is that it is a SHIT. HOLE. We're talking probably close to a years' worth of renovations before it even becomes livable. I'm ready and raring to go on this one, because the outside looks just lovely from the pictures I've seen. It's location is over by Southeast high school, off of 40th and Van Dorn. Not quite as centralized as the house I'm living in now, but it's close enough to everything that I won't mind. While I do enjoy the house I'm living in now. I really do. The memories that I've made here are pretty good, aside from the obvious one. I wouldn't mind another 500 square feet of room!
I have had a lot of internal and external changes. I liken myself to a housing renovation. I'm knocking out walls, I'm pulling up shitty toilets, I'm exterminating rodents, I'm breaking down barriers to progression. I am such a better person for having gone through all of this shit. I'm a better man. I'm a better friend. I'm a better brother. I'm a better son. In short, I'm still the same old Johnny... just better. Version 2.0 is in effect.
This year has been weird. A new experience for sure. The first half wasn't really that exciting. There were incidents, sure. My truck finally bit the big one. I moved out into the house I am currently living in with my (then) girlfriend and my brother. But the biggest change everyone knows about already. Being single!
I haven't been single in 5 years. I'm not sure I remember how to be. I mean sure, my confidence is about as high as it has ever been, especially since I've dropped SO much weight. But the fact of the matter remains that I really don't know how to be single right now. I mean, honestly, what does a woman want to hear from some stranger that walks up to her randomly? Pick up lines are NOT my style. I'm not that guy, I never have been, and I never will be. A simple hello might suffice, but at the same time women all have a preconceived notion about men that they are all just about getting into their pants. That might be a rampant stereotype but, believe it or not, there are some of us that are just looking for someone to talk to. I guess this is something that I'll have to progress into as the time wears on.
Don't get me wrong. I'm kind of excited to be single again. It's not unlike uncharted territory. I'm like Columbus discovering the Americas. I'm Guy Montag when he grabs that first book and reads it. My world has been turned on its side, and I like it. Meeting new people is always fun to me, but at the same time I'm scared to get back out there. Rejection is not something I'm used to, much less able to take with a grain of salt. :P
I've dropped a total of about 30 pounds since all of this went down. I'm looking at dropping another 30 by my sister's wedding. I'm doing it the healthy way this time: Through diet and exercise. It amazes me just how much changing your diet can help you. I've cut out all sweets save the natural ones: Fruit. I've pretty much stopped eating all processed foods, and am cooking for myself on a daily basis. I still have the occasional pizza or something of the like, but I'm trying to cut down on that as much as I possibly can. Carrots, rices, bran cereal, things like this are my staples. I eat very little red meat, I get my daily protein and such from it surely, but It's no longer the priciple item of my meals. I'm enjoying eating like this, honestly. I don't even crave things like ice cream anymore. I get all the sweet treats from things like pears or apples. I get full from a 500-700 calorie meal. It's kind of awesome. I'm gonna be 220 in no time. :D
I'm excited! I'm excited to get back into school. I'm excited to try and make myself a better person. I'm excited to put my brain to use again. It's been stagnant for so long that I think I'm going to have a rude awakening once I actually get back into the swing of things. I'll take it all in stride though. Goal of my first semester: The Dean's List. Ready.... BEGIN.
It looks like I'm going to be moving sometime soon. I'm looking for a roommate, because I'm only looking at being inside this house for another year. Another house is calling me. My parents bought a house the past week as an investment. They are going to let me live there, and it's a solid 500 square feet larger than this one, not even including the basement. They got it for almost 30,000 dollars UNDER the appraised worth of the house. Amazing. You should have seen what I'm going to say next coming, under the circumstances. The caveat is that it is a SHIT. HOLE. We're talking probably close to a years' worth of renovations before it even becomes livable. I'm ready and raring to go on this one, because the outside looks just lovely from the pictures I've seen. It's location is over by Southeast high school, off of 40th and Van Dorn. Not quite as centralized as the house I'm living in now, but it's close enough to everything that I won't mind. While I do enjoy the house I'm living in now. I really do. The memories that I've made here are pretty good, aside from the obvious one. I wouldn't mind another 500 square feet of room!
I have had a lot of internal and external changes. I liken myself to a housing renovation. I'm knocking out walls, I'm pulling up shitty toilets, I'm exterminating rodents, I'm breaking down barriers to progression. I am such a better person for having gone through all of this shit. I'm a better man. I'm a better friend. I'm a better brother. I'm a better son. In short, I'm still the same old Johnny... just better. Version 2.0 is in effect.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Bummed out.
Man, I hate winter weather. I mean, I REALLY hate winter weather. Cold does not bother me so much, but when you throw snow, ice and wind on top of it, it really bums me out. My car cannot go anywhere because it's rear-wheel drive, and I cannot just sit at home either. You know, bills to pay, money to be had, etc. So I go play slip and slide on the roads until I get where I need to go. Now, I'm more than aware that it's my own fault that I have a car that cannot get around in the snow. I used to have a truck until its engine seized on me on the way up to Omaha, but the Lincoln Road Crews did not really do an amazing job of clearing off the streets in a timely manner either.
On to other things that bum me out: Dry skin. I've never really had an issue with it until
this year. Am I just getting old, or is all that good karma finally leaving me? Who knows, honestly. I'm only 24, so that should not be the problem. I'm taking better care of myself now than I think I ever have, so my lifestyle should not have a direct effect on it. Oh well, I guess you can't analyze everything.
I went to my cousin's wedding dinner on this past Friday night. Joe and Krista looked absolutely lovely, the atmosphere was good, everyone seemed to have a good time. It was a good time, but I couldn't help by notice that I was pretty much the only single person in the room out of about 50 people. It started to get to me a little by the end of the night. I think the thing I miss the most about being in a serious relationship is that feeling. That feeling that you have someone that will pretty much do whatever with you, as long as they are with you. That, and waking up next to someone every morning. By the end of the night, I realized that I was getting kind of bitter. I don't want to feel that way, so I'm going to do my very best to attempt not to. It can be a process though, for sure.
This very well might be the last time I blog until after Christmas, and should that be true I want to wish everyone that actually reads this thing a Merry Chirstmas! Enjoy your families, enjoy your food, be joyful that we are here, and are living life.
Kira will NOT leave me alone. She is such an attention whore!
On to other things that bum me out: Dry skin. I've never really had an issue with it until
this year. Am I just getting old, or is all that good karma finally leaving me? Who knows, honestly. I'm only 24, so that should not be the problem. I'm taking better care of myself now than I think I ever have, so my lifestyle should not have a direct effect on it. Oh well, I guess you can't analyze everything.
I went to my cousin's wedding dinner on this past Friday night. Joe and Krista looked absolutely lovely, the atmosphere was good, everyone seemed to have a good time. It was a good time, but I couldn't help by notice that I was pretty much the only single person in the room out of about 50 people. It started to get to me a little by the end of the night. I think the thing I miss the most about being in a serious relationship is that feeling. That feeling that you have someone that will pretty much do whatever with you, as long as they are with you. That, and waking up next to someone every morning. By the end of the night, I realized that I was getting kind of bitter. I don't want to feel that way, so I'm going to do my very best to attempt not to. It can be a process though, for sure.
This very well might be the last time I blog until after Christmas, and should that be true I want to wish everyone that actually reads this thing a Merry Chirstmas! Enjoy your families, enjoy your food, be joyful that we are here, and are living life.
Kira will NOT leave me alone. She is such an attention whore!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Well, Well, Well...
Here I am yet again. Not a lot to say today, but I guess the consequence of having such a life-altering experience happen to you is that you only really talk about one thing; That which has effected you most.
I'm still doing very well. I've put 5 pounds back on, which I don't enjoy, but I'm looking a lot healthier. I have a lot of spring in my step, a lot of energy to get things done around the house, (This house has NEVER been cleaner.) and above all else I have the attitude back that made me who I am in the first place. Honestly, I haven't really been much of myself before the past few weeks, and with good reason. I've been mopey, I've been boarder-line comatose at times. I'm snapping out of it in a huge way.
This is an amazing feeling. I don't wish anyone to go through what I did, but the feeling you get after you finally let go is astounding. You start to take life for what it is; a series of events that you can rarely control. You better hold on, because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Life is something that we generally cannot bend to our whim. If we could, I would still be in a relationship now, and probably still be unhappy. I guess it is fortuitous that we cannot control all of this mess sometimes, no? I mean, sure, sometimes it would be nice to control your own destiny. Sometimes it would be downright amazing. But you really have to ask yourself the question: Is this for my actual best interests, or is this just petty greed or superfluous bullshit that we really don't need? Most things that people would change about their life is the latter. Just a bunch of material crap that really does not have an immediate impact on our lives, but it sure does fill that dead time.
What would I change about my life? That's a great question. No, I would not go back and warn myself about that certain someone that was going to go crazy in 5 years. That was a catalyst to life-changing decisions, many of them positive! The one thing that I would go back and change right now if I could was my apathy about college fresh out of high school. But, at the same time, I have to ask myself if I would be the same person right now if I had enrolled right out of high school. That's just it, life's dichotomy. The paradox of if you were to go back and change something, would you be the same in the future? The answer is clearly a "No.". I'm much more socially apt than a lot of people are. Especially those going into the science field. I attribute this to my job, which forces me to deal with people. Even the idiots that make me want to punch someone in the forehead. Would I have the relationship with my dad that I do now if I had gone to college right off the bat? Who knows, probably not though. I'm glad to say that I've grown closer to every single member of my family over the past 8 weeks. I don't think I would give that up for the world.
If I were to have gone to college straight out of high school, I would have gone into something literary or "Arsty" as a major. Now, I'm contemplating science and math of all things. I don't know what changed, but I have a feeling I'm really going to enjoy the Engineering program at UNL. The fact that it pays really well after you finish notwithstanding, I think this is my path. I think I would do this for free, if I had the option. I'm glad to have found it, even if it did take 6 long years.
Well, this is really all I have for right now. I'm loving life, and all it has thrown at me. I'm enjoying planning out a "theme" for my house. I'm enjoying rearranging things the way I want them instead of asking someone else's opinion on everything. In short, for the first time in a long time, I'm living!
Carpe Diem.
-JWR
I'm still doing very well. I've put 5 pounds back on, which I don't enjoy, but I'm looking a lot healthier. I have a lot of spring in my step, a lot of energy to get things done around the house, (This house has NEVER been cleaner.) and above all else I have the attitude back that made me who I am in the first place. Honestly, I haven't really been much of myself before the past few weeks, and with good reason. I've been mopey, I've been boarder-line comatose at times. I'm snapping out of it in a huge way.
This is an amazing feeling. I don't wish anyone to go through what I did, but the feeling you get after you finally let go is astounding. You start to take life for what it is; a series of events that you can rarely control. You better hold on, because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Life is something that we generally cannot bend to our whim. If we could, I would still be in a relationship now, and probably still be unhappy. I guess it is fortuitous that we cannot control all of this mess sometimes, no? I mean, sure, sometimes it would be nice to control your own destiny. Sometimes it would be downright amazing. But you really have to ask yourself the question: Is this for my actual best interests, or is this just petty greed or superfluous bullshit that we really don't need? Most things that people would change about their life is the latter. Just a bunch of material crap that really does not have an immediate impact on our lives, but it sure does fill that dead time.
What would I change about my life? That's a great question. No, I would not go back and warn myself about that certain someone that was going to go crazy in 5 years. That was a catalyst to life-changing decisions, many of them positive! The one thing that I would go back and change right now if I could was my apathy about college fresh out of high school. But, at the same time, I have to ask myself if I would be the same person right now if I had enrolled right out of high school. That's just it, life's dichotomy. The paradox of if you were to go back and change something, would you be the same in the future? The answer is clearly a "No.". I'm much more socially apt than a lot of people are. Especially those going into the science field. I attribute this to my job, which forces me to deal with people. Even the idiots that make me want to punch someone in the forehead. Would I have the relationship with my dad that I do now if I had gone to college right off the bat? Who knows, probably not though. I'm glad to say that I've grown closer to every single member of my family over the past 8 weeks. I don't think I would give that up for the world.
If I were to have gone to college straight out of high school, I would have gone into something literary or "Arsty" as a major. Now, I'm contemplating science and math of all things. I don't know what changed, but I have a feeling I'm really going to enjoy the Engineering program at UNL. The fact that it pays really well after you finish notwithstanding, I think this is my path. I think I would do this for free, if I had the option. I'm glad to have found it, even if it did take 6 long years.
Well, this is really all I have for right now. I'm loving life, and all it has thrown at me. I'm enjoying planning out a "theme" for my house. I'm enjoying rearranging things the way I want them instead of asking someone else's opinion on everything. In short, for the first time in a long time, I'm living!
Carpe Diem.
-JWR
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Comedy and Tragedy.
Well, as a lot of my "readers" should, and probably do, know by now; My girlfriend of 5 years has broken up with me as of... I dunno... 2 months ago? It seems so long ago that I don't even really pay attention anymore.
Save your pity and your condolences, as they will fall on deaf ears. I've never been happier. That is an honest to god fact. I honestly believe that this happened for the best of reasons, even though at the time it seemed like the end of the world.
Incompatibility ruled the day on this. Incompatibility and Selfishness. We would have never went the distance, even though I thought we could have. Don't get me wrong here, we had the ABILITY to go the distance, but the lack of maturity in both parties was the downfall to the whole charade. Each of us wanted to do different things. I was not as attentive as I should have been. She was not as forth-right as she should have been. I spent too much time doing other things when I should have been hanging with her. She spent too much time up in Omaha with D.B.F.O. I ignored, or did not see, the warning signs. She did not really send them very well. All in all, I don't think anyone is really to "blame' in the whole ordeal, the blame is shared for the most part, but I do think that the whole thing was handled VERY poorly on her end. Indecision. Lies. Deceit. Potential felonies. It's like a bad soap opera combined with a romantic comedy with no punchline. I won't elaborate unless I get comments asking me to, in which case I will gladly share what happened after discussing it with other parties that were involved.
I do not harbor ill-will towards this person. No matter how badly she has hurt me, I still feel that she was a very important part of my life. I will never deny that we existed. I will never deny that I loved her. Yes, past tense. I will never deny that she has made me, at least somewhat, who I am. No more is that true than today. Without her, I would not have gotten as close to my family as I am right now. There is just no way. Her breaking up with me was the catalyst for my family pulling together like I have never seen before. Her breaking up with me led me to become stronger friends with Ashley Kopf and her husband Joe. I don't know if I would have made it through all of this without them, so BIG props to them. I love you guys, and I owe you a debt I can probably never re-pay. Her breaking up with me lead me to register for school again. Right now I'm leaning heavily towards a degree in Bio-Medical Engineering. She very well might be the most influential person in my life right now, even though she is the least important. Odd how that works.
I'm not sure how often I'll blog, it might be with awesome regularity or it might be every other week. Who knows!? Thanks for reading!
Save your pity and your condolences, as they will fall on deaf ears. I've never been happier. That is an honest to god fact. I honestly believe that this happened for the best of reasons, even though at the time it seemed like the end of the world.
Incompatibility ruled the day on this. Incompatibility and Selfishness. We would have never went the distance, even though I thought we could have. Don't get me wrong here, we had the ABILITY to go the distance, but the lack of maturity in both parties was the downfall to the whole charade. Each of us wanted to do different things. I was not as attentive as I should have been. She was not as forth-right as she should have been. I spent too much time doing other things when I should have been hanging with her. She spent too much time up in Omaha with D.B.F.O. I ignored, or did not see, the warning signs. She did not really send them very well. All in all, I don't think anyone is really to "blame' in the whole ordeal, the blame is shared for the most part, but I do think that the whole thing was handled VERY poorly on her end. Indecision. Lies. Deceit. Potential felonies. It's like a bad soap opera combined with a romantic comedy with no punchline. I won't elaborate unless I get comments asking me to, in which case I will gladly share what happened after discussing it with other parties that were involved.
I do not harbor ill-will towards this person. No matter how badly she has hurt me, I still feel that she was a very important part of my life. I will never deny that we existed. I will never deny that I loved her. Yes, past tense. I will never deny that she has made me, at least somewhat, who I am. No more is that true than today. Without her, I would not have gotten as close to my family as I am right now. There is just no way. Her breaking up with me was the catalyst for my family pulling together like I have never seen before. Her breaking up with me led me to become stronger friends with Ashley Kopf and her husband Joe. I don't know if I would have made it through all of this without them, so BIG props to them. I love you guys, and I owe you a debt I can probably never re-pay. Her breaking up with me lead me to register for school again. Right now I'm leaning heavily towards a degree in Bio-Medical Engineering. She very well might be the most influential person in my life right now, even though she is the least important. Odd how that works.
I'm not sure how often I'll blog, it might be with awesome regularity or it might be every other week. Who knows!? Thanks for reading!
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